


Weeks 11 Through 14

by ikkiM



Series: Stannis Baratheon, Fantasy Football League Commissioner [8]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, F/M, Fantasy Football, Fluff, Gen, It's Not Finishing Yet, M/M, Super Crack!, Total Mockery of All Things ASoIaF and GoT, Totally Insane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 02:18:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 20,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3157445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikkiM/pseuds/ikkiM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fantasy Football is in full swing and it's time for Weeks 11-14.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Week 11, Monday Morning.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay...look, I totally lied. I thought this would be the last installment, but it's not. Once I had it written, and it is pretty much all written, I realized this last bit was fucking enormous and no way would it work in just one installment. So this is the second to last installment. The final installment should be posted Super Bowl week. It is 95% complete.
> 
> However, if there is something you really want me to address, I can probably add it in. Let me know.
> 
> I love you all and I'm sorry for lying about this being the last installment. Okay. Not really. Sort of. Whatever. Here goes.

**Monday**

Kingslayer: It’s okay you know.  
WarriorMaiden: I know, it was a close matchup. I'm sorry I was quiet on the drive home.  
Kingslayer: You should have come back to my place.  
WarriorMaiden: I just wanted to be home alone to lick my wounds.  
Kingslayer: I'd have licked them for you.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...  
Kingslayer: So...let’s get together tonight?  
WarriorMaiden: Do you want to?  
Kingslayer: You lost the bet. You cannot break up with me.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Tits didn't have to stoop so low  
Have your friends collect your boobies and then change your brassiere  
I guess that I don't need that though  
Now you're just some titties that I used to know  
WarriorMaiden: Are you going to rub it in?  
SharkReek: rub whut in?  
Kingslayer: Get out Theon.  
SharkReek: hey j, trade m 4 boobie dixon?  
Kingslayer: I won’t consider trading you anything ever if you don’t get out.  
SharkReek: fine!, hey brie, way 2 lose 2 tits  
SharkReek: again!

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: He’s right. I lost again. To something breast related.  
Kingslayer: …  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: You were talking licking and rubbing and breasts...I got distracted.

一

URallAssholes: u can what?  
StutteringSquire: K-ki-kick people f-from conversations.  
URallAssholes: how did u get that?  
StutteringSquire: I-I-I won a s-s-solitaire tournament.  
URallAssholes: ur shittin me  
StutteringSquire: it w-was sp-spider solitaire

:)

一

RedHeadedMother: I cannot believe Brienne lost to Jaime. Wasn't she supposed to distract him from putting his players in?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Setting his lineup.  
LadyRose: It's gone a bit farther than us just us setting them up so Brienne could win the League and they would disband.  
SexontheSand: Or just modify their ownership rules.  
RedHeadedMother: Farther? What do you mean?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: They are quite attached.  
RedHeadedMother: Jaime Lannister? Attached?  
MrsYoungWolf: Jaime is totally sweet when he talks about Brienne. He's kind of dreamy. McDreamy even.  
PinkISPretty: i think theyre cute 2gether  
KissedByFire: It's pretty serious.  
RedHeadMother: It wasn't supposed to get serious. Brienne wasn't supposed to get that emtionally involved. She was just supposed to win.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: It should still happen, Catelyn.  
KissedByFire: Did you really think she wouldn't fall for him? Jaime is hot.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Did you really think he wouldn't fall for her? Her bod is banging.  
RedHeadedMother: I didn't want anyone to fall for anyone else. I just want my husband back on Sundays.

一

WarriorMaiden: I have to what?  
Kingslayer: Apparently it’s something women do.  
WarriorMaiden: How do you know women do this?  
Kingslayer: I talked to Robb and he said I should watch shows on the CW, so I did and they do.  
WarriorMaiden: You know life is not like a TV show and no show on the CW is realistic?  
Kingslayer: Don’t care. You have to do it.  
WarriorMaiden: Why?  
Kingslayer: Because it’s girlfriendy.  
WarriorMaiden: ARGH.  
Kingslayer: You can log it and show it to me later.  
WarriorMaiden: Do you really want to know what the others have to say?  
Kingslayer: Maybe not, but I do want them all to send me sly knowing winks as if you’ve told them how completely amazing I am.  
WarriorMaiden: What if that’s not what I tell them?  
Kingslayer: You’re a terrible liar.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: Girl talk, one full week of it.  
WarriorMaiden: What if it's about how annoying you are?  
Kingslayer: Do women really discuss that?  
WarriorMaiden: Women discuss details you do not even want to know.  
Kingslayer: OOOooO, tell me?  
WarriorMaiden: No. They are secrets.  
Kingslayer: Give me a hint.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine, it's just a rumor and I did not hear it from Gilly, but apparently Sam has a fat pink mast.  
Kingslayer: You mean his...  
WarriorMaiden: I do.  
Kingslayer: Maybe I don't want to know.  
Kingslayer: Wait. What have you told them about me? How I give you my sword?  
WarriorMaiden: I do not call it your sword! And I wouldn't tell them about it.  
Kingslayer: You dirty girl. I was talking about the actual sword I bought you.  
WarriorMaiden: You were not.  
Kingslayer: You're right. I wasn't.  
WarriorMaiden: You don't tell the guys stuff about me? Stuff like that?  
Kingslayer: Like how you have the most delicious freckle under your left shoulder blade?  
WarriorMaiden: Freckles don't have flavor!  
WarriorMaiden: You don't tell them about that, do you?  
Kingslayer: Nope. All your freckles are mine.  
WarriorMaiden: Good.  
Kingslayer: I've decided to rent them to you though.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: Your freckles. They are mine. I'm just loaning them to you.  They are like your suit of armor.  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever, Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Now before I send you off, I have one more present for you. 

一

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Comfy socks. The fleece kind. Always go with me when I travel  
MrsYoungWolf: Ooh, the kind you can heat up in the microwave. Those are great.  
KissedByFire: Microwave socks. I swear ... you Southerners are pussies.  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb said Jon said you bring your teddy bear on trips.  
KissedByFire: I'll kill them both.  
KellyCsBear: I bring a photo of my loved ones.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: By which you mean Dany.  
MrsYoungWolf: That's so sweet. Robb just makes sure he's got the right headphones.  
SexontheSand: I bring a portable personal massager.  
TheLastDragon: i don't go anywhere without my personal massager  
KellyCsBear: She gave notice last week, Viserys. Remember?  
TheLastDragon: fuck u for reminding me! don't pay the bitch  
KellyCsBear: I paid her already. With six months severance.

一

WarriorMaiden: No, Jaime. No.  
Kingslayer: It’ll be good. You won’t even notice him.  
WarriorMaiden: I can take care of myself.  
Kingslayer: But what if Oberyn hits on you or Theon gets too annoying or there is something you need?  
WarriorMaiden: It’s WhisperWeb chat. I can always log off.  
Kingslayer: But you have to be online having girl talk all week. Which means we won’t be talking as much. He’ll just be around to make sure you’re okay.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m fine. I’ll always be fine.  
Kingslayer: Look, here’s the truth. He usually works for Tyrion but the project he was on ended. His new project doesn’t start up for another week. So if we don’t find something for him to do, Father will lay him off for the week and the poor kid needs the money. You’ll be keeping him from harm.  
StutteringSquire: I-I-I-I-I- d-d-do, sir, m-m-m’am. I-I-I-I promise I’ll serve y-y-you well.  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously? Why does he type like that?  
Kingslayer: No clue. Every keyboard we give him ends up like that. He’s a good lad. You’ll get along.  
StutteringSquire: *smiles helpfully*  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
WarriorMaiden: Do you want him to listen and report back on this stupid girl talk?  
Kingslayer: No. Podrick, understand me, you are to make sure Brienne engages in girl talk, but you are not to repeat any of it ever.  
WarriorMaiden: Even to Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Even to me.  
WarriorMaiden: Especially to Jaime.  
StutteringSquire: Y-y-y-yes, m’am.  
Kingslayer: But let me know if Brienne needs me.  
WarriorMaiden: I won’t.  
Kingslayer: Like if she runs out of paperclips  
WarriorMaiden: This is so ridiculous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to [Vana](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Vana/pseuds/Vana/works) for the travel essentials talk.
> 
> Thanks to all of you for reading and putting up with my crackery.


	2. Week 11, Monday Afternoon.

**Monday afternoon**

WarriorMaiden: *sigh*I have to either talk to everyone about sex with Jaime or complain about him. Girl talk. Because it is "girlfriendy."  
WarriorMaiden: Such a stupid word.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]  
[Bronn4Sale has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Jaime, are you following me?  
Kingslayer: Just a little bit. Wanted to make sure you got off okay.  
KissedByFire: I hear you get her off just fine.  
WarriorMaiden: If I’m going to do this, I need to do it alone.  
Kingslayer: Just reminding you I’ll meet you at the gym tonight.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. Dinner after?  
Kingslayer: Of course.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Why is Bronn here?  
Bronn4Sale: no fukin clue

[Bronn4Sale has left the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

LadyRose: Didn’t you two just have lunch?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes…

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Goodbye, Brienne.

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
LadyRose: Let’s get on with it!  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
MrsYoungWolf: He left the convo.  
WarriorMaiden: I was hoping he’d come back one more time.  
KissedByFire: Seriously?  
SexontheSand: That was a poignant and emotional goodbye.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Through chat?  
LadyRose: Let’s get on with this girl talk thing.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. Girl talk. Whatever that is.  
KissedByFire: I vote you talk about the sex.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Sex, definitely.  
SexontheSand: Yes, tell us about the sex.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh, I forgot. This is Podrick, he works for Tyrion. He has to follow me around and make sure I'm fulfilling my promise, but he is not to interfere. Or tell.  
StutteringSquire: H-h-hello, l-ladies.  
KissedByFire: He's like our chat minion?  
WarriorMaiden: I have no idea. You can ask him to leave though?  
KissedByFire: Eh...I dig it. Who cares really?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I always think someone is listening in anyway.  
MrsYoungWolf: Like Jaqen.  
StutteringSquire: Or s-s-someone e-else.  
LadyRose: Fine. No objections to Podrick. Let's get on with it. Tell us about Jaime.  
MrsYoungWolf: Do you even have anything to complain about?  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm. About Jaime? As a boyfriend?  
LadyRose: Or the sex.  
KissedByFire: Sex, sex, sex.  
MrsYoungWolf: Why do you have to do this again?  
WarriorMaiden: I lost a bet.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: A sex bet?  
WarriorMaiden: … that too…  
SexontheSand: Tell us about the sex bet. Perhaps you and I can make one.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods.  
KissedByFire: Start slow. What was the sex bet?  
WarriorMaiden: It involved spanking?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Are you asking or telling us?  
WarriorMaiden: Telling you.  
LadyRose: Oh, so you put on thigh high black boots and got out a riding crop and made Jaime bend over a chair and spanked his tight naked ass while he counted off the blows saying, “One Mistress Brienne, Two Mistress Brienne.”  
StutteringSquire: !  
MrsYoungWolf: …  
WarriorMaiden: Uh...no. I don’t own those kinds of boots or a riding crop or...anything at all like that and uh...No. I mean that...no Marg. Just no.  
LadyRose: Not even if I were a bad girl and I asked you to punish me?  
SexontheSand: Have you been a bad girl?  
WarriorMaiden: Me? ...I lost the bet.  
MrsYoungWolf: So Jaime turned you over his knee and spanked you?  
WarriorMaiden: Not exactly.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Details.  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t believe I have to tell you this.  
KissedByFire TELL US.  
WarriorMaiden: FINE. We thought we’d try it with me standing with my hands on the table, but that didn’t feel right for either of us. So instead we just sort of hugged and he spanked me like that. Is that enough detail?  
LadyRose: No. I don’t understand.  
SexontheSand: How did he get his hands in the proper position?  
MrsYoungWolf: That’s not how Robb and I do it.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m taller than he is, so his hands were in the right spot and he kissed my neck the whole time.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I can see it. Was it hot?  
WarriorMaiden: Kind of…  
MrsYoungWolf: Are you asking us or telling us?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, it was kind of hot. FINE. Jaime also left a huge hickey on my shoulder.  
LadyRose: You two are so weird. What else do you do in weird ways?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t know what’s weird?  
KissedByFire: Fine...tell us something Jaime does that you like, like position or touching.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Tits are Theon style, Theon style  
Tits are Theon style, Theon style  
Tits are Theon style  
LadyRose: Or just the details about his cock?  
SharkReek: cock?

[StutteringSquire has kicked SharkReek from the conversation.]

IronIslandsBattleBabe: NICE  
StutteringSquire: :)  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks Pod. You cannot tell anyone about this ever.  
StutteringSquire: Y-yes.  
StutteringSquire: Y-y-es, I-I mean, n-n-n-no, I will, n-n-not tell.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Yeah, fine, whatever. Just get on with it.  
WarriorMaiden: I like it when I’m on top and he flips us over so he’s on top and he does it in this all one move thing.  
MrsYoungWolf: The classic rollover.  
SexontheSand: That is a basic sexual maneuver.  
WarriorMaiden: Well. No...Not roll. Flip.  
LadyRose: DETAILS.  
MrsYoungWolf: Like he does it really fast?  
WarriorMaiden: No, I mean, you roll over on your side. Jaime flips us. Back to front.  
SexontheSand: Flips?  
WarriorMaiden: He’ll sit straight up and pull my legs and wrap his arms around me and push me down until I’m on my back. More of a flip than a roll.  
KissedByFire: So your heads were at the head of the bed and then you flip so you’re at the foot of the bed?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: That takes some serious core strength.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, there we go. I can say this. Jaime has amazing abs.  
LadyRose: Now how about his cock?  
WarriorMaiden: That’s enough for one day.  
StutteringSquire: A-a-agreed.

一

LegitimizeThisBitches: whut do u mean booted?  
SharkReek: dunno, just got kicked from convo  
IKnowALittleSomething: heh, i dunno either  
YoungWolf: coruse not  
SharkReek: hey y did no 1 tell me there was a player named BOOBIE?  
YoungWolf: dude, didn’t u check the wire?  
IKnowALittleSomething: ive sucked at checking the wire  
iluvgilly: gilly and i r pretty busy  
SharkReek: y didnt’ u tell me?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: not my job 2 hold ur hand and set ur lineup  
SharkReek: but his named is BOOBIE  
YoungWolf: and he helped jaime beat brienne  
SharkReek: fuckin a, jaime won’t trade me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for not being all miffy about not getting the "Happy Ending" you want, at least just yet. And all the happy endings for poketninja and iheartdramas for being just so damn entertaining when I go off on a chat fic tangent.
> 
> Oh and yeah...the Oathkeeper show scene. Because it is love.


	3. Week 11, Tuesday and Wednesday.

**Tuesday**

LadyRose: But we always talk about sex.  
WarriorMaiden: No sex questions today.  
KissedByFire: That's kind of unfair.  
WarriorMaiden: Tough.  
StutteringSquire: Y-you m-must be girlfriendy.  
WarriorMaiden: Dammit POD. No sex questions. I can't take it today.  
MrsYoungWolf: Fine. I have a question for you.  
MrsYoungWolf: What is the most romantic thing Jaime has ever done for you?  
WarriorMaiden: What’s romantic really?  
MrsYoungWolf: When he did something that made you feel special and wonderful.  
LadyRose: When he gave you a car or beat those guys up for you?  
WarriorMaiden: He loaned me a car and he beat up people for me as a friend.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: What the fuck ever. So...most romantic?  
SexontheSand: Sex is very romantic.  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm...he asked me to dance.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: That's it?  
LadyRose: Dozens of men have asked me to dance. Not romantic.  
MrsYoungWolf: It could be. I mean did he set up fairy lights on the roof of a building, decorate with roses, have a string quartet play and ask you to dance?  
SexontheSand: That is romantic.  
WarriorMaiden: No. No, it was nothing like that.  
KissedByFire: Did he take lessons from Sam on how to waltz and surprise you with a romantic dinner and dancing date on top of the Wall?  
WarriorMaiden: No dinner. No date. We'd been swordfighting in the park.  
KissedByFire: Sword fighting isn't all that romantic.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Tits gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier  
Tits’re gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist  
Like tit doesn't exist  
Tits’re gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry  
Tits’re gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier  
SexontheSand: Unless it is two men, and they are fighting with their cocks over who will pleasure you first.  
StutteringSquire: !-!-!!!  
SharkReek: BARF

[StutteringSquire has kicked SharkReek from the conversation.]

KissedByFire: Damn, that’s hot.  
StutteringSquire: *smiles delightedly*  
MrsYoungWolf: Uh?  
LadyRose: Brienne tells her story first, and then I have to hear about that from Ell.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I'm with you.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. Just listen. Jaime wanted to sword fight in the park again. And we fought and it was fun, you know, really fun. Whenever we would stop, he would start again by saying, "My lady, may I have this dance?"  
KissedByFire: Okay..that is sweet.  
LadyRose: Still, Brie, swordfighting not romantic.  
WarriorMaiden: I wasn't done.  
WarriorMaiden: You know there's that guy who plays accordian in the park, right?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I always toss him a buck.  
WarriorMaiden: So, we fought over near him and he started playing a song and Jaime dropped his sword, held out his hand and asked me to dance.  
MrsYoungWolf: So you did?  
WarriorMaiden: I..yes...I mean, we were all sweaty from the swordfighting, but yeah, just you know, that sway back and forth dancing.  
KissedByFire: And you thought that was romantic? Come on, Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up. It made my heart smile.  
LadyRose: What?  
MrsYoungWolf: Heart smile?  
SexontheSand: What is heart smile?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t know...it’s just, well, I felt all warm and special.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Fuck me. He made your heart smile. That is romantic.  
KissedByFire: Jon's waltzing kind of sucked.  
SexontheSand: He would have won the right to pleasure me with that. Did he pleasure you afterwards?  
LadyRose: Are you going to tell us about his cock?  
StutteringSquire: P-p-pl-please d-don’t.  
WarriorMaiden: See, Pod says no.

一

SharkReek: dudes, u ever slap ur cock against another dudes cock?  
TheLastDragon: of course not!!  
LegitimizeThisBitches: …  
SharkReek: rly?  
TheLastDragon: was it hot?

一

Kingslayer: Well, wench, how was it?  
WarriorMaiden: How was what?  
Kingslayer: Girl talk so far?  
WarriorMaiden: Humiliating.  
Kingslayer: Does it really humiliate you to talk about me like I’m your boyfriend, which I AM?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes...I mean no...it’s just.  
Kingslayer: What? What is it Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: I just…  
Kingslayer: You just are embarrassed to be dating me?  
WarriorMaiden: No...it’s just…  
Kingslayer: Is Pod’s keyboard problem contagious?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t want anyone tothinkaboutmenaked.  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: If I talk to people about those things, the bedroom things, they might think about me naked and I can’t stand that.  
Kingslayer: Why? I think about you naked all the time.  
WarriorMaiden: That’s because you’re all ...weird.  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: I just, that's the way it is.  
Kingslayer: Did you tell them I was amazing in bed?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...  
Kingslayer: Because I am.

 

**Wednesday**

KissedByFire: Tell us something Jaime does in bed.  
WarriorMaiden: !  
LadyRose: Come on, you’re supposed to be telling us all about Jaime.  
StutteringSquire: G-g-girlfriendy.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. I hate this.  
SexontheSand: Hate sex can be very passionate.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Just get on with it. SPILL.  
WarriorMaiden: When Jaime gets grumpy in his sleep, he likes to stick his finger in my belly button.  
MrsYoungWolf: That’s...weird.  
KissedByFire: Like he stabs you with his finger?  
WarriorMaiden: No, he’ll get unsettled in his sleep and he’ll want us all back to front.  
LadyRose: You mean cuddling like spoons?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?  
LadyRose: Big.  
WarriorMaiden: Little.  
LadyRose: Really?  
WarriorMaiden: Do you want to hear this or not?  
MrsYoungWolf: Yeah, shut up, Marg. Let her get on with it.  
KissedByFire: Aren’t you bossy?  
SexontheSand: Bossy can be fun.  
WarriorMaiden: So, he’ll roll us up like that and then he'll rub my stomach three times and settle with the tip of his middle finger in my belly button.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Like… a dog who turns in three circles before laying down?  
KissedByFire: So you have any inny?  
LadyRose: You don’t?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, so there. That’s something Jaime does in bed.  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb likes rubbing his feet on my feet.  
SexontheSand: Yarsha, what does Bronn like?  
LadyRose: Bronn? Really?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: He’s got it going on, what can I say?  
StutteringSquire: B-b-bronn?

一

Evenstar: Young man.  
Kingslayer: Mr. Tarth?  
Evenstar: You know Brienne is my only child.  
Kingslayer: Yes…  
Evenstar: And I’m quite attached to her.  
Kingslayer: She’s mentioned that.  
Evenstar: Just reminding you.  
Kingslayer: Understood.  
Evenstar: She's a lot like her mother, you know.  
Kingslayer: She told me she doesn't remember much about her.  
Evenstar: Let me tell you a bit about her, son.  
Evenstar: Most stubborn, obstinate, pig-headed woman I ever knew.  
Kingslayer: Sounds familiar.


	4. Week 11, Thursday and Friday.

**Thursday**

WarriorMaiden: I can’t wait until this week is over.  
LadyRose: I can’t believe Jaime has to force you to talk about him. And has to send his lackey to verify.  
StutteringSquire: *smiles gleefully and nods*  
KissedByFire: Jeyne never shut up about Robb when they first got together.  
MrsYoungWolf: And I wanted to hear about Jon’s butt birthmark?  
WarriorMaiden: Jon has a butt birthmark?  
LadyRose: No changing the subject. Tell us more about Jaime.  
WarriorMaiden: I hate this. What do you want to know and I am not answering your question, Marg.  
StutteringSquire: A-agreed.  
LadyRose: Dammit.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: So, Brie, what don’t you like about Jaime? What does he do that annoys you or drives you crazy?  
WarriorMaiden: You want me to complain about him?  
SexontheSand: We complain all the time. Oberyn uses all the hot water in the shower.  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb secretly watches Grey’s Anatomy and pretends he doesn’t and then posts on a Grey’s message board using my ID.  
LadyRose: That’s a bit much, Jeyne.  
MrsYoungWolf: It keeps him happy.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. Let me think.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Unless Jaime is perfect?  
KissedByFire: He does have perfect hair.  
WarriorMaiden: I get annoyed that his hair always looks good.  
SexontheSand: Not nearly annoying enough to discuss. Try again.  
WarriorMaiden: He steals all the butter.  
MrsYoungWolf: What?  
WarriorMaiden: We go to that pasta place that has those really crusty rolls and that sweet butter and Jaime takes all the butter and I have to ask for extra.  
LadyRose: You eat rolls with extra butter?  
WarriorMaiden: I would if Jaime didn’t steal the butter first. It’s so annoying.  
MrsYoungWolf: I fucking hate you right now.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Fuck Brienne. Try again.  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm...he’s a terrible listener.  
SexontheSand: I always suspected Jaime was a talker.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes! He talks all the time. When we sit on the couch and watch a movie, he provides a running commentary.  
KissedByFire: Does he talk in bed?  
LadyRose: What does he say?  
MrsYoungWolf: In bed?  
WarriorMaiden: He just says stuff.  
KissedByFire: Jon is pretty quiet about it. He’s still shy.  
SexontheSand: Oberyn tells me how he feels and how close he is to orgasm.  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb tells me what he wants me to do next.  
LadyRose: What does Jaime actually say Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t wait for this week to be over.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: That’s a weird thing to say.  
LadyRose: Fess up, Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime says ridiculous stuff. How he likes my skin, how I feel, that kind of thing.  
KissedByFire: Like a running string of compliments?  
WarriorMaiden: Kind of…  
MrsYoungWolf: That’s hot.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: So his talking is hot. What do you hate that he does in the sack?  
WarriorMaiden: Really?  
LadyRose: Spill.  
StutteringSquire: *nods* S-spill.  
SexontheSand: I love everything Oberyn does to my body.  
KissedByFire: Is Jaime that good? Do you love everything?  
WarriorMaiden: Well...it has to do with the talking thing.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Get on with it. Describe.  
WarriorMaiden: FINE.  
WarriorMaiden: Sometimes, we’ll be going along and it’ll be really good, and he’ll stop. And ask me a question.  
StutteringSquire: ?-?-?  
MrsYoungWolf: Like, ask you if you’re ready for him to be inside you?  
LadyRose: The “are you ready for me” question is standard, Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: No. I mean. Yes. I mean after that. When we are, you know.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: He does this when he’s fucking you?  
KissedByFire: He stops in the middle? For conversation? He pulls out to talk?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes. No. Not out. In.  
SexontheSand: He wants to have a conversation while his cock is inside you?  
WarriorMaiden: See, it even sounds annoying.  
MrsYoungWolf: What does he want to talk about?  
LadyRose: Do not say fantasy football.  
SexontheSand: Enjoying having his cock inside you?  
LadyRose: Is that enjoyable? His cock I mean? Maybe if you described it?  
StutteringSquire: N-no.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: What is your fascination with Jaime’s prick?  
SexontheSand: Are you enjoying it?  
WarriorMaiden: Well. Yes. I mean. But he says he can’t tell because I don’t make enough noise.  
WarriorMaiden: Or claw at his back or whatever.  
KissedByFire: Jon hates it when I claw at his back.  
LadyRose: Shut up, let Brienne finish.  
WarriorMaiden: No, go on Ygritte, tell us about Jon.  
KissedByFire: Fat chance. Get on with it, Brie.  
WarriorMaiden: FINE.  
WarriorMaiden: So he stops and he’s on top so I can’t really move and then he’ll kiss my neck and stuff and ask if I’m enjoying myself. Then I’ll say yes and tell him to start moving again.  
WarriorMaiden: Then he asks if I’m sure because he can’t tell.  
WarriorMaiden: Then I’ll try to wiggle around and make him move.  
WarriorMaiden: And then we kind of wrestle only not because he’s already got me pinned and then he wants me to say things before he’ll move again. He’ll keep asking me questions.  
WarriorMaiden: So I do a squeezy thing.  
WarriorMaiden: And then one of us has to yield.  
SexontheSand: Sex is a battle?  
KissedByFire: You have a midfuck bicker while he’s balls deep inside you?  
LadyRose: And then play chicken as to who is hornier and gives in so you can keep fucking?  
MrsYoungWolf: I’d just give in.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I’d kegel the shit out of him until he was was begging to fuck me.  
StutteringSquire: K-k-kegel?  
WarriorMaiden: I’ve tried!  
KissedByFire: Sounds pretty hot to me. I mean, that takes some serious control.  
MrsYoungWolf: I could ask Robb to try it, but it wouldn’t the same as if he did it on his own.  
LadyRose: Hot yes, but only if it’s not planned.  
MrsYoungWolf: Brienne, why don’t you ask Jaime to tell Robb to try it for me?  
WarriorMaiden: What? No.  
MrsYoungWolf: Hey Podrick, you know my husband, Robb?  
StutteringSquire: N-no.  
MrsYoungWolf: Damn.  
KissedByFire: I’m just going to tell Jon to do it.  
LadyRose: Report back.  
KissedByFire: Maybe.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You need to come up with a real complaint, Brienne. Not something we all think is hot.  
WarriorMaiden: ...  
WarriorMaiden: He'll forget to trim his toenails and scratch me with them.  
MrsYoungWolf: I hate that! I made Robb get a pedicure.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: 'Cause, baby, you're a tittywork  
Come on, show me what you're worth  
Make me go, "Aah, aah, aah"  
As I shoot across your tits, tits tits  
KissedByFire: Jon farts in bed.  
SharkReek: does he pull the cvrs over ur head 2?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You are so foul-assed, Theon.  
SharkReek: im trying 2 eat better!

[StutteringSquire has kicked SharkReek from the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: I kind of love it when he does that.  
KissedByFire: Pod is the Chat God.  
StutteringSquire: :)

一

 

**Friday**

KissedByFire: So explain this? Jaime doesn’t touch you with his fingers?  
MrsYoungWolf: All men use their fingers.  
StutteringSquire: *nods emphatically*  
LadyRose: Tyrion has particularly talented fingers.  
WarriorMaiden: You asked me something he does that I like that’s not about sex.  
SexontheSand: Isn’t everything about sex?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Ell has a point.  
KissedByFire: Explain then. If it’s not about sex.  
WarriorMaiden: Like when he puts his hand on my back or puts his arm around me. He flattens his hand out so it’s his whole hand touching me and not just his fingers.  
StutteringSquire: ?-?-??  
MrsYoungWolf: How is that not about sex?  
WarriorMaiden: It’s not sexy touching, it’s just touching. You know? Don’t you and Robb just touch?  
MrsYoungWolf: Not usually…  
KissedByFire: Jon isn’t a big toucher.  
WarriorMaiden: Well. Jaime is and sometimes I hate it, but I like that hand thing. It’s like he’s touching me because he likes it and not just as an obligation.  
LadyRose: Why would it be an obligation?  
WarriorMaiden: …

一

PerfectPrincess: arya says u give good advice  
SexViper: I will not help you with a Clegane, sweet Sansa.  
PerfectPrincess: but he;s nothing like his brother!  
SexViper: Did he join the Riverlands Fantasy Football League, frighten and intimidate his opponents resulting in the complete destruction of that League?  
PerfectPrincess: well...yeah...but it was mostly his brother!  
SexViper: Does he take orders from the Lannisters?  
PerfectPrincess: not ne more, he’s freelancing  
SexViper: He's a freelance fantasy football henchman?  
PerfectPrincess: well...yeah?  
SexViper: How is he known to treat women? As if they are beautiful beings, to be loved and nurtured?  
PerfectPrincess: don’t think he’s ever had a gf b4?  
SexViper: And he is how old?  
PerfectPrincess: dunno  
SexViper: Do you wish to be his starter girlfriend? The woman with which he makes all of his mistakes?  
PerfectPrincess: its not like that! he calls me his little bird  
SexViper: Does he know what you like? What makes you happy? Does he respect you? Want you to grow as an individual? Or does he want to keep you his perfect, precious ideal?  
PerfectPrincess: ...i dunno?  
SexViper: Ah, young Sansa. The Clegane, he may make you feel safe and protected, but he is still the Hound. And while a bad boy may be attractive now, you should be sure of what you want for the future before you give him your heart.  
PerfectPrincess: ...okay  
SexViper: It is not always a bad thing to let romance grow.  
PerfectPrincess: like jaime and brienne?  
SexViper: Ah, she is a foolish woman who could do better than a Lannister.  
PerfectPrincess: but he loves her  
SexViper: So, he is not a fool.

一

Kingslayer: So?  
WarriorMaiden: So what?  
Kingslayer: How was today’s girlfriendy discussion with other women?  
WarriorMaiden: I'm so glad this week is over. It's been humiliating.  
Kingslayer: Why?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
Kingslayer: Were any of the other women humiliated?  
WarriorMaiden: It’s different.  
Kingslayer: Why?  
WarriorMaiden: Because we aren’t like them.  
Kingslayer: Of course we aren’t like them, wench.  
Kingslayer: We’re better.

 

**Week 11 WrapUp**

Week 11 brought our second biggest surprise upset of the season, when Winter Wolves squeaked by Hear Me Kick Ass. With that win, Winter Wolves improved their chances of making the playoffs, but it’s still anybody’s game. Maiden’s Warriors went back to their winning ways, shellacking Dragon Kings, who still have yet to win a game. Also winning this week: GridIronBorn, IWillBeYourChampion, Night’s Winnerman and Flayers’ Players. Only two more weeks left in the regular season. 

Week 11 Standings | 1 | Hear Me Kick Ass | 9-2-0  
---|---|---  
2 | Maiden’s Warriors | 9-2-0  
3 | The Faceless Team | 7-4-0  
4 | Team Stannis/Davos | 7-4-0  
5 | IWillBeYourChampion | 7-4-0  
6 | Winter Wolves | 5-6-0  
7 | GridIronBorn | 5-6  
8 | Thorny Stags | 5-6  
9 | Night’s Winnerman | 5-6-0  
10 | Flayers’ Players | 4-7-0  
11 | 2Old2Care | 3-8-0  
12 | DragonKings | 0-11-0


	5. Week 12, Monday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up. I am having some issues with the chapter break downs, so I'm just going to have some Weeks that have several chapters. It's just unwieldy.
> 
> My apologies.

**Monday**

Kingslayer: Lost to the Starks. FUCK.  
URallAssholes: we weren’t going 2 run the table and playoffs r a lock  
Kingslayer: Yeah, but fucking Starks. Annoying, self-righteous asshats.  
URallAssholes: heh, they’ll probs not making the playoffs  
Kingslayer: I know, I know. I’ll let it go. How are things going with Marg?  
URallAssholes: good...didn’t think ud noticed  
Kingslayer: Of course I noticed. I mean, we double date.  
URallAssholes: how could i forget the joy of watching you steal tall chicks steak right off her plate  
Kingslayer: Food won tastes better than food earned.  
URallAssholes: next time clean the pasta off b4 you decided 2 fork fight  
Kingslayer: Sorry about your shirt.

一

WardenWolf: HOT DAMN  
YoungWolf: we took down jaime! jaime!!!!  
WardenWolf: Pack has a great game, always pays 2 be loyal 2 ur team  
YoungWolf: its only 1 game  
WardenWolf: 1 game closer 2 the playoffs

一

WarriorMaiden: I was wondering, who does the weekly wrapups?  
URallAssholes: huh...used 2b robert, but it’s not him cause the spelling is good and it’s not all drunk rambligns about hunting and ned’s sister  
WarriorMaiden: Whomever it is seems to know things.  
URallAssholes: u think someone is bugging ur whisperweb chats?  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods! I’ve said things, I know I have. What if people find out?  
URallAssholes: never put something n chat or email u don’t want discoverable  
URallAssholes: thats the 1st rule of business  
WarriorMaiden: What kind of business do you do?  
URallAssholes: see the 1st rule  
WarriorMaiden: I have said, like...Jaime stuff.  
URallAssholes: do tell, tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: In chat?  
URallAssholes: ur learning

一

LegitimizeThisBitches: thnks 4 loaning me ur phone sunday THEON  
SharkReek: y were u in such a panic  
LegitimizeThisBitches: needed 2 make a lineup change  
Kingslayer: Not my problem.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: j-dick woldn't let me use his  
SharkReek: hey, u let brie use ur phone.  
Kingslayer: Exactly.  
Kingslayer: I only rescue maidens.

一

KissedByFire: Prepare yourselves.  
LadyRose: For what?  
KissedByFire: There is a bun in the oven.  
PinkISPretty: i luv 2 bake  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Oh, is Jeyne finally preggers?  
WarriorMaiden: Congratulations. I know she and Robb have been trying.  
SexontheSand: They are trying all right.  
KissedByFire: She tried to tell him last night and all he wanted to do was play video games.  
LadyRose: That is not good.  
KissedByFire: I probably shouldn’t have told, but she cried for like 11 hours on the phone last night.  
WarriorMaiden: Poor Jeyne. Does Catelyn know?  
KissedByFire: It’s totally on the down low for now. Just giving you the heads up.

[MrsYoungWolf has joined the conversation.]

MrsYoungWolf: Hey...what are we talking about today?  
LadyRose: The usual.  
PinkISPretty: baking!  
MrsYoungWolf: Or how Jaime is the greatest boyfriend ever? And he would never play video games when you want to talk?  
WarriorMaiden: No. I mean. He’s not. It’s not like that.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: *rolls eyes*

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: In my hands, tits are gonna be alright  
Cause the titties gonna squeeze, squeeze, squeeze  
And the nips gonna tweak tweak tweak  
Baby I'm just gonna jerk jerk jerk  
Jerk me off Jerk me off  
WarriorMaiden: I miss Podrick.  
MrsYoungWolf: Podrick is the best, better than ROBB.  
SharkReek: huh?

一

YoungWolf: so she comes up all "look look look robb look" and she's all excited and she's got something behind her back  
YoungWolf: and i'm like babe i'm tryin to dl dragon age: inquisition and it just came out half an hour ago and the queues are massive and the graphics drivers are all fucked up, i can't get rid of the windows error, and i'm already seeing spoilers on twitter  
YoungWolf: and she starts crying and says i dont even care  
SharkKing: women are awful creatures. emotional and manipulative  
YoungWolf: she went to call ygritte on the phone and been crying the whole fkn time  
SharkKing: we're better off without the whole race of women. plagues the lot of them.  
YoungWolf: she won't talk to me  
YoungWolf: her face was all blotchy this mornin  
SharkKing: pop her one, its what i would do  
FertileNonagenarian: she was holding something behind her back you say?  
YoungWolf: yeah, idk what it was  
FertileNonagenarian: positive piss test. you're gonna be a dad, boy  
YoungWolf: ...  
FertileNonagenarian: congratulations, son  
YoungWolf: ...  
FertileNonagenarian: next round's on me 一 prune juice! heh!  
YoungWolf: how do you know that's what it was?  
FertileNonagenarian: seen it happen the same way 62 times  
FertileNonagenarian: the 63rd time, joyeuse was tryin to trick me, get me to take some gas-x. but i caught on. threw it in the toilet. heh heh!

[YoungWolf has left the conversation.]  
[RedHeadedMother has joined the conversation.]

RedHeadedMother: Balon, Walder. Has either of you seen my son?  
SharkKing: nope  
FertileNonagenarian: nope

[RedHeadedMother has left the conversation.]

一

URallAssholes: hey tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: I’m dating Jaime. I guess. I mean. I have to say he’s my boyfriend and I guess he is. For now. I mean. He didn’t put a time limit on it. So I’m trying to go with the flow. But I’m bad at that.  
URallAssholes: wtf?  
WarriorMaiden: Weren’t you going to tell me to date Jaime?  
URallAssholes: uh...u r dating jaime, ur my future sister in law  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever. What did you want to talk about?  
URallAssholes: did I hear jeyne is preggers?  
WarriorMaiden: Did Marg tell you? We aren’t supposed to know yet.  
URallAssholes: heh, robb is a dumbass  
WarriorMaiden: Jeyne still hasn’t told him.  
URallAssholes: imagine, a relationship not based on honesty and respect  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP  
URallAssholes: jus sayin’  
WarriorMaiden: I’m just saying you should shut up, little man.  
URallAssholes: aw tall chick, ur treatin’ me like im family  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Vana](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Vana/pseuds/Vana/works) wrote the Walder, Balon and Robb. She is WONDERFUL.
> 
> The next chapter has some special Stavos for her.


	6. Week 12, Tuesday and Wednesday.

**Tuesday**

WardenWolf: so happy 4u son  
URallAssholes: rah rah rah congrats  
LegitimizeThisBitches: its gonna blow her vag out  
YoungWolf: whut?  
SexViper: Ellaria was never more beautiful, and never more amorous, than when she was with child. A woman creating life is a goddess.  
Kingslayer: Shut up about goddesses, Hornishman. And congrats Robb.  
IKnowALittleSomething: yay, congrats dude  
YoungWolf: Thanks.  
FertileNonagenarian: no 1 congrats me 4 having a new kid  
WardenWolf: 4 good reason

一

MrsYoungWolf: So, if it’s a boy, I’m thinking Raynald, for my brother.  
KissedByFire: Isn’t Robb going to want some traditional Stark name?  
MrsYoungWolf: Actually, he suggested Derek. Said he thought girls would find the name McDreamy.  
KissedByFire: Huh?  
MrsYoungWolf: I think it’s best not to ask.

一

UKnowUWantMe: u have good hair  
PerfectPrincess: I DO!!! :)  
UKnowUWantMe: u road w jaime from winterfell, did u open his suitcase?  
PerfectPrincess: uh...no…  
UKnowUWantMe: did he mention his conditioner?  
PerfectPrincess: …

一

Kingslayer: Thank gods Jeyne’s finally knocked up. Robb’s been asking advice on getting someone pregnant for a while now.  
WarriorMaiden: Isn’t there just, you know, the usual way to get pregnant?  
Kingslayer: You’d think! He even asked Walder.  
WarriorMaiden: I know Jeyne has been really stressed about it.  
Kingslayer: Yeah, Robb was moaning about the pregnancy test thing. She took it and didn't tell him. He was pissed.  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah, that’s weird.  
Kingslayer: Exactly. Why wouldn’t she want him to be a part of that?  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: It's something they did together, a part of both of them. You'd think she'd want to share that moment with him.  
WarriorMaiden: Hmm....maybe she wasn't sure?  
Kingslayer: Either way, trying to have a kid or not, that's just not something people should keep secret.  
WarriorMaiden: ...

一

SharkReek: hey marg  
LadyRose: Brienne isn’t here Theon. You’ll have to sing your tit songs some other time.  
SharkReek: uh yeah, thanks  
SharkReek: i was wondering…  
LadyRose: About?  
SharkReek: it’s really over btw us, right?  
LadyRose: Yeah...it is.  
SharkReek: did i do something wrong?  
LadyRose: Theon, you just never had time for me. I mean, it was always fantasy football, or trying to please your dad, or hanging out with the Starks.  
SharkReek: i was a bad bf?  
LadyRose: Kinda. But the sex was great.  
SharkReek: heh, can i tell tyrion that?  
LadyRose: Absolutely not.  
SharkReek: u ever need my cock, its here 4 u  
LadyRose: That’s actually rather sweet.

一

FingerfewerHand: I know what you've been doing.  
BeardedStag: Are you going to nag me about my executive duties too? Did Stannis sic you on me?  
FingerfewerHand: I mean with the League.  
BeardedStag: What are you talking about?  
FingerfewerHand: Telling Walder you would vote for him to get a high draft pick. Sympathizing with Viserys. Being nice to Balon.  
BeardedStag: Like I shouldn't be nice to the other League members?  
FingerfewerHand: You're trying to put together a rebellion. You want to be the new Commissioner.  
BeardedStag: So what if I do?  
FingerfewerHand: You don't have what it takes to run this League.  
BeardedStag: I do! I started when Robert first stepped down.  
FingerfewerHand: You are a commissioner of summer. You don't have what it takes to lead through the long winter.  
BeardedStag: You don't know that. I've never been given a chance!  
FingerfewerHand: You're all about playing at commissioner. Handing out awards and prizes. You have no idea of the hard work it takes to run a League.  
BeardedStag: I'll know soon. I'm calling for a vote to remove Stannis.  
FingerfewerHand: No you won't.  
BeardedStag: You can't stop me.  
FingerfewerHand: Let me read you a little something.  
BeardedStag: Oh gods.  
FingerfewerHand: "I met Loras Tyrell today. He's super cute, but not as cute as Jaime Lannister. They look a little alike, but Loras is totes a low-rent version of Jaime."  
BeardedStag: You wouldn't!  
FingerfewerHand: I would. I also found a few unfinished short stories that you wrote. Maybe I'll publish them on that fanfic site, AO3?  
BeardedStag: ...which ones?  
FingerfewerHand: Let me find that synopsis...here we go.  
FingerfewerHand: Secret werewolf Renly Baratheon is a high school sophomore who gets transferred to King's Landing High, where he catches the eye of quarterback, Jaime Lannister, only to discover that Jaime is really a vampire.  
BeardedStag: NO.  
FingerfewerHand: There is another one here where you and Jaime are fated soul mates and you get pregnant with his child.  
BeardedStag: Davos! I was a confused high school kid when I wrote those.  
FingerfewerHand: That accounts for the poor plotting and why the main character is a Renly Sue.  
BeardedStag: What do you want?  
FingerfewerHand: You stop trying to overthrow Stannis and you will support him as commissioner.  
BeardedStag: And you'll give me those back?  
FingerfewerHand: One story per season.  
BeardedStag: You're like some stealth monster, stabbing me in the back.  
FingerfewerHand: I am. :)  
BeardedStag: Fine. I'll support Stannis. I am going to have a ritual burning of those stories.  
FingerfewerHand: Oh...wait, I need you to do one more thing for me.  
BeardedStag: We had a deal!  
FingerfewerHand: You and Loras need to take Shireen shopping for a dress for a school dance. The one Selyse got her is...not good. And Stannis is terrible at those kinds of things.  
BeardedStag: Selyse probably dresses her like a sister-wife.  
FingerfewerHand: Exactly.  
BeardedStag: Fine. Shireen needs to learn about style and panache from someone, and it's certainly not going to be from the hairy bearded bears.  
FingerfewerHands: Body hair is sexy, Renly.  
BeardedStag: Not according to Loras.  
FingerfewerHand: Does he know anything about hair anyway?

一

UKnowUWantMe: starks are breeding  
LadyRose: Again.  
UKnowUWantMe: my hair is lookin better though  
LadyRose: It’s grown out...some.  
UKnowUWantMe: want 2 break n2 jaime’s 4 me?  
LadyRose: I love you, Loras, but I don’t love your hair enough to commit burglary.  
UKnowUWantMe: im gonna follow next time he goes 2 grocery, find out from brienne when they r goin  
LadyRose: Really?  
UKnowUWantMe: i got sunglasses and a trench coat

一

CommissionerByRight: Robb and Jeyne Stark are having a child.  
FingerfewerHand: I heard.  
CommissionerByRight: Does it ever bother you, Davos?  
FingerfewerHand: What, love?  
CommissionerByRight: That we both have children, but not with each other.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis. I don’t need us to have a baby as some proof of our love. I have that proof whenever I look in your eyes.  
CommissionerByRight: Davos…

一

WarriorMaiden: I’m starting to feel guilty.  
LadyRose: As you should.  
WarriorMaiden: You’ve taken pregnancy tests before and not told the potential fathers.  
LadyRose: Yeah, but I enjoy being secretive and devious.  
WarriorMaiden: I think I just need a little time away to think, figure things out.  
LadyRose: Is that a problem?  
WarriorMaiden: I mean..yeah, I don’t know what I ever did all day before Jaime.  
LadyRose: Work, workout, spend time with me? And we rarely do game night anymore.  
WarriorMaiden: Loras used to pretend not to know who I was at game night.  
LadyRose: I never said my brother wasn’t an ass.  
WarriorMaiden: Now I mostly work out with Jaime. He makes it more fun.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime makes everything fun.  
WarriorMaiden: What if Jaime and I break up? What will I do all day?  
LadyRose: Brienne, don’t borrow trouble.  
WarriorMaiden: I just worry.

 

**Wednesday**

RedHeadedMother: Grandparents, Eddard. We are going to be grandparents.  
PerfectPrincess: im g2b an aunt!  
Needler: *rolls eyes* its just a baby  
WardenWolf: itll be fun  
RedHeadedMother: I am too young to be a grandmother.  
WardenWolf: no ur not  
RedHeadedMother: …

一

Bronn4Sale: robb, marriage suks, rite?  
YoungWolf: its not the worst, i mena, i have jeyne all the time and daiting was a fuckton of work, now though, a baby!  
Kingslayer: Work? What made dating work?  
YoungWolf: taking her out 2 dinner and chick flicks 2 get laid  
iluvgilly: i just enjoy gilly’s company  
IKnowALittleSomething: ygs always wants my clothes 2 match  
TheLastDragon: i never put in such work 4 a woman  
Bronn4Sale: and when did u last get laid?  
TheLastDragon: fuk u  
Bronn4Sale: brie is 2 much work  
Kingslayer: I enjoy Brienne’s company.  
YoungWolf: u like chick flicks?  
IKnowALittleSomething: and matching clothes?  
Kingslayer: She’s not fond of sappy romance movies and she doesn’t care what I wear. We work out a lot together.  
TheLastDragon: like...exercise?

[MrsYoungWolf has joined the conversation.]  
[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]

YoungWolf: hey babe, how u feeling?  
MrsYoungWolf: We’re fine!  
TheLastDragon: *puke*  
MrsYoungWolf: I did that this morning.  
Kingslayer: Brienne and I go to the gym, run, rock climb, spar, that kind of thing.  
Bronn4Sale: sounds fukin miserable  
iluvgilly: it doesn’t matter what they do as long as they both like it  
YoungWolf: u like working out that much?  
MrsYoungWolf: Jaime apparently has amazing core strength, Robb. You could stand to work out a little more.  
KissedByFire: Yeah, core strength matters.  
Bronn4Sale: not if ur hittin it from behind  
Kingslayer: Heh. Brienne's been talking.  
KissedByFire: Enough that I want to know more, why this standing spanking thing?  
TheLastDragon: what?  
Kingslayer: YES.

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

IKnowALittleSomething: standing spaking?  
KissedByFire: You’re not tall enough.

一

KellyCsBear: But candles can make any party.  
LimpingLord: I don’t throw parties. Too much effort.  
KellyCsBear: Perhaps your wife would be interested in hosting a Party Lite Candle Party.  
LimpingLord: Wouldn’t know. Haven’t spoken to her in years.

一

Kingslayer: What do you mean?  
WarriorMaiden: Margaery, Yarsha and I are going to spend the weekend together.  
Kingslayer: You mean, like go to lunch with them, but come back for dinner with me and to stay at my place?  
WarriorMaiden: No. I mean, I’m going to spend Friday night and all day Saturday with them.  
Kingslayer: Okay, well. I’ll meet you.  
WarriorMaiden: ...there aren’t going to be any guys, Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Are you telling me you don’t want to see me?  
WarriorMaiden: No, I’m telling you I’m going to spend the weekend with my friends.  
Kingslayer: Aren’t we friends?  
WarriorMaiden: Of course we are, but we can spend a few days apart.  
Kingslayer: Why would we want to?  
WarriorMaiden: Because..I don’t know...because it’s good to not be around each other all the time. To get used to that.  
Kingslayer: It is?  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t you want your own space? A little time apart?  
Kingslayer: You are my space, Brienne.

一

KissedByFire: So you and Robb made up?  
MrsYoungWolf: Yes! He was totally sweet.  
KissedByFire: Or he was being a total dick.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I’m with Ygritte.  
MrsYoungWolf: It’s just pregnancy brain and hormones.  
KissedByFire: He told you that?  
MrsYoungWolf: Well…  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: He should kiss your feet.  
MrsYoungWolf: Oh, he likes doing that. Sucking my toes too!  
KissedByFire: ...

一

Kingslayer: You’re not allowed to break up with me.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not breaking up with you.  
Kingslayer: You don’t want to spend time with me anymore. You don’t want to cybersex me anymore. You won’t phone sex me. You’re trying to break up with me.  
WarriorMaiden: I am spending the weekend with friends. I never wanted to cyber sex or phone sex you. Why can’t I have this time to hang out with my friends? Why don't you hang out with your friends?  
Kingslayer: I don't need friends. I have you.  
WarriorMaiden: You're being ridiculous and clingy.  
Kingslayer: You're the one always trying to break up with me. You can't deny it.  
WarriorMaiden: I am NOT.  
Kingslayer: Really?  
WarriorMaiden: Only when you don't respect me.  
Kingslayer: I respect the hell out of you.  
WarriorMaiden: When it comes to fantasy football?  
Kingslayer: I admit that you're good. I'm just better.  
WarriorMaiden: GAH. See!  
Kingslayer: You're going try to break up with me again.

一

PinkISPretty: so...babies?  
FlayMaster: Walda, I told you those women will give you ideas.  
PinkISPretty: u want ramsay 2b ur only son?  
FlayMaster: …

一


	7. Week 12, Thursday and Friday and Sunday A.M.

**Thursday**

Kingslayer: I just like spending time with you.  
WarriorMaiden: I like spending time with you too.  
Kingslayer: Really? Because it doesn't seem like it. You go all stubborn about leaving a toothbrush at my place.  
WarriorMaiden: What if I did something horrible and we break up and I lose my toothbrush?  
Kingslayer: We aren't breaking up and is a toothbrush that irreplacable?  
WarriorMaiden: I just feel more comfortable if we keep our stuff separate.  
Kingslayer: And I'd be more comfortable if we mixed all our stuff together.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...  
Kingslayer: Is your comfort level more important than my comfort level?

一

Needler: nope  
LegitimizeThisBitches: im sure we wre online chatting, it got hot  
Needler: dude, i'm 14, u hot chat w me u go 2 jail  
LegitimizeThisBitches: but she said she was arya  
Needler: musta been a fake

一

WarriorMaiden: I just worry.  
Kingslayer: About what?  
WarriorMaiden: That ...I don't know. I just do.  
Kingslayer: What can I do to make you worry less?  
WarriorMaiden: I don't know.  
Kingslayer: You know what's girlfriendy?  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods, do not make me tell every third person I see that you're super cute ever again.  
Kingslayer: No, but damn, that was a good day.  
WarriorMaiden: Thank gods.  
Kingslayer: It's girlfriendy not to worry.

一

RedHeadedMother: Jeyne, you have months of pregnancy left to go. You don’t need to read every book now.  
MrsYoungWolf: Catelyn, I’m just saying, things have changed since you had Rickon. There is so much more to learn about pregnancy.  
RedHeadedMother: It’s not like women have been giving birth for thousands of years.  
MrsYoungWolf: What do you think about water birth?

一

Kingslayer: So about this worrying thing.  
WarriorMaiden: It's just how it is. I don't want to discuss my worries.  
Kingslayer: Fine. When do you worry?  
WarriorMaiden: I said I didn't want to discuss my worries.  
Kingslayer: And I didn't ask you that. I asked WHEN you worry.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: Do you worry when we are watching movies under the snuggie?  
WarriorMaiden: What? No. I mean. I'm just enjoying the movie.  
WarriorMaiden: When it's a good movie.  
Kingslayer: I always pick good movies.  
WarriorMaiden: The Room? Johnny Wiseau? Really? That was terrible.  
Kingslayer: Terribly AWESOME. Do you worry when we cuddle up in bed?  
WarriorMaiden: Not usually. I'm trying to fall asleep.  
Kingslayer: Or when we are fucking?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: Do you worry when we work out or run?  
WarriorMaiden: I pretty much focus on the work out. Endorphins and all that.  
Kingslayer: Did you worry when we went pumpkin shopping at the Farmer's Market? Or when we went to that weapons display? When went hiking? When we grill out?  
WarriorMaiden: I did worry that you were going to set something on fire, but mostly that was just fun.  
Kingslayer: 1. I’m not a Targaryen and 2. Exactly.  
WarriorMaiden: Exactly what?  
Kingslayer: I don't want you to worry. You don't worry when we're together.  
WarriorMaiden: You're being ridiculous.  
Kingslayer: If you would worry less when I'm not around, I wouldn't need to spend so much time with you making sure you don’t worry.  
WarriorMaiden: So your clinginess is my fault?  
Kingslayer: Just as much as your worrying is mine.  
WarriorMaiden: That's dumb.  
Kingslayer: We are better together than we are apart.  
WarriorMaiden: Well, yes, but we should still be apart sometimes.  
Kingslayer: We can do that. As long as we always come back together.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...  
Kingslayer: Promise.  
WarriorMaiden: Promise what?  
Kingslayer: Promsie that when you hang out with those women, you aren't going to start worrying and try to break up with me.  
WarriorMaiden: That's ridiculous.  
Kinglayer: You know what's ridiculous?  
WarriorMaiden: You?  
Kingslayer: HI DOGGY

一

 

**Friday**

TheLastDragon: apparently my sister is breeding  
KellyCsBear: ...is she certain?  
TheLastDragon: she went on and on abt her moons blood and stars and stallions mounting the world  
KellyCsBear: I see.  
TheLastDragon: shes going 2 birth a horse lord  
KellyCsBear: Perhaps she’s looking for a nanny or a doula?  
TheLastDragon: wtf is a doula?

一

Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously, you wouldn’t want to date Margaery?  
Kingslayer: Gross. No. She’s dating Tyrion and she’s too conniving.  
WarriorMaiden: Jeyne?  
Kingslayer: Ugh. Like I’m interested in discussing interior decorating and the stages of Stark pregnancy.  
WarriorMaiden: What about Yarsha?  
Kingslayer: Too bold and strangely Stannis-like.  
WarriorMaiden: Sansa?  
Kingslayer: Who?  
WarriorMaiden: Ned’s daughter, drove back from Winterfell with us.  
Kingslayer: She’s like 12.  
WarriorMaiden: She’s 18 and she’s beautiful.  
Kingslayer: She looks like every other girl in a fashion magazine.  
Kingslayer: Boring and generic. All that makeup. Ugh.  
WarriorMaiden: What about Ygritte?  
Kingslayer: I bet she makes her own deodorant.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: Like a yippy dippy granola chick you’d have to convince to shower or something, making deodorant from scratch and washing her hair with leaf oil and baking soda.  
WarriorMaiden: You don’t think any of my friends are attractive?  
Kingslayer: I mean Catelyn has something going, but I'm not attracted to her like that. I’m attracted to you.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...I know what I look like.  
Kingslayer: No, you really don’t.  
WarriorMaiden: I have a mirror.  
Kingslayer: One in your bathroom and one in your bedroom. That’s it.  
WarriorMaiden: As opposed to your bathroom which is mostly made of mirrors.  
Kingslayer: Stop changing the subject.  
WarriorMaiden: Away from your massive ego?  
Kingslayer: My ego is massive, like certain other parts of me.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: You like it. You know what I like?  
WarriorMaiden: Looking at yourself in the mirror?  
Kingslayer: The way you look after we fuck.  
WarriorMaiden: Gods, Jaime!  
Kingslayer: You look amazing. Your big blue eyes all soft and relaxed, that satisfied little smile on your face. I put that smile there.  
WarriorMaiden: So it is about your ego?  
Kingslayer: How your skin is all flushed and warm and you wrap yourself around me like a barnacle. So fucking sexy.  
WarriorMaiden: Did you just describe me as a barnacle and I’m supposed think that’s a compliment?  
Kingslayer: Okay, not my best work, but you do admit that you get all clingy post fuck.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m clingy? You tried to talk to me through the door while I peed!  
Kingslayer: You were taking forever in there!  
WarriorMaiden: Bathroom time is alone time.  
Kingslayer: Fine. You look all adorable when you’re reviewing the matchups and setting your lineup. You’ll tilt your head left or right and then bite your lip and once you’ve decided, you’ll give a cute little nod.  
WarriorMaiden: You watch me while I set my lineup?  
Kingslayer: I bet you do the same thing at work. We should set up a BrienneCam at work so I can watch you.  
WarriorMaiden: What? NO.  
Kingslayer: When we are running and I try to set the pace, you scowl at me.  
WarriorMaiden: ..Sorry? I just have longer legs and I should set the pace.  
Kingslayer: When that car commercial comes on where the girl thanks the dad for taking care of her, you get a little misty thinking about your dad.  
WarriorMaiden: I do not.  
Kingslayer: …  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. I do. But you almost cried when we watched Cool Runnings.  
Kingslayer: It’s a great movie!  
Kingslayer: But we are talking about you. You like all the good movies. The Replacements, Godfather, Die Hard.  
WarriorMaiden: How do you know I like Die Hard?  
Kingslayer: I'm right, aren't I? You love Die Hard.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: What do you like about me?  
WarriorMaiden: I like it when you shut up.  
Kingslayer: Do not.  
WarriorMaiden: Do too.

一

UKnowUWantMe: all this breeding talk  
BeardedStag: I’m happy for them, I guess. It’s what they want.  
UKnowUWantMe: ...do u want a baby?  
BeardedStag: Gods no.  
BeardedStag: But I hear the pregnancy vitamins are great for your hair.  
UKnowUWantMe: *sob*

一

Kingslayer: How will I fall asleep without you snoring me a lullabye?  
WarriorMaiden: I do not snore. You snore.  
Kingslayer: You make pufty noises. And wrinkle your nose. I do not snore.  
WarriorMaiden: I just breathe and you do too. You also grumble.  
Kingslayer: I do not grumble.  
WarriorMaiden: You grumble, kick your leg out twice, put your hand on my stomach and stick your finger in my belly button.  
Kingslayer: I do?  
WarriorMaiden: Then you start snoring in my ear.  
Kingslayer: You smile my name.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: You rub your feet against each other, snuffle your nose into my neck, cup your hand over my pec, sniff me and whispersmile “Jaime.” Then you start snoring in my ear.  
WarriorMaiden: I do not!  
Kingslayer: Do too.  
WarriorMaiden: Not!  
Kingslayer: Too.  
WarriorMaiden: I do NOT.  
Kingslayer: This is a terrible idea.  
WarriorMaiden: The girls will be here soon. I'll see you on Sunday afternoon for the games.

一

 

**Sunday, 2:11 A.M.**

WarriorMaiden: I wish you were here.

[Kingslayer is not signed into chat.]

WarriorMaiden: I do sleep better with you than without you.

[Kingslayer is not signed into chat.]

WarriorMaiden: I have to tell you something and you’re going to be so angry with me. You’re probably not going to want to see me again.

[Kingslayer is not signed into chat.]

WarriorMaiden: And I’m scared. How will I sleep if we break up?

[Kingslayer is not signed into chat.]

WarriorMaiden: I miss you.

[Kingslayer has signed into chat.]

WarriorMaiden: Jaime! Why are you online?  
Kingslayer: Hey, yeah, ...it’s the middle of the night. I got a notice that you were in chat. Why are you awake?  
WarriorMaiden: You get notices?  
Kingslayer: Pod set it up.  
WarriorMaiden: How does he get access to do that?  
Kingslayer: No clue. How was your day with the women?  
WarriorMaiden: ...  
Kingslayer: That awful?  
WarriorMaiden: Margaery wanted to shop for clothes.  
Kingslayer: We both know how much you love doing that.  
WarriorMaiden: Yarsha booked us for massages. That was nice.  
Kingslayer: Who massaged you?  
WarriorMaiden: Robin.  
Kingslayer: YOU LET SOME OTHER GUY TOUCH YOU?  
WarriorMaiden: SHE wasn't a very good massuer. Her hands were weak.  
Kingslayer: That's okay then.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you really...jealous?  
Kingslayer: No. Not even slightly. I just don't think any other men should touch you.  
Kingslayer: Or look at you.  
WarriorMaiden: That's ridiculous. What's the worst that could happen?  
Kingslayer: ...They could touch you?  
WarriorMaiden: And?  
Kingslayer: Would you like it if other women touched me?  
WarriorMaiden: Other women touch you all the time!  
Kingslayer: And what what do I do when that happens?  
WarriorMaiden: ...you usually leech yourself to me?  
Kingslayer: Exactly. You're my protection.  
WarriorMaiden: Protecting you from other women?  
Kingslayer: Other women who aren't you.  
WarriorMaiden: You're just ridiculous.  
Kingslayer: You know what's not ridiculous about me?  
WarriorMaiden: Nothing?  
Kingslayer: My big strong hands.  
WarriorMaiden: Damn Podrick. He promised!  
Kingslayer: HAH. I was guessing.  
WarriorMaiden: Hold on...wait...  
WarriorMaiden: I think there’s someone outside my door.  
Kingslayer: Uh...why would you think that?  
WarriorMaiden: I thought I heard something. It’s stopped now.  
Kingslayer: This wouldn’t be happening if you were home with me. We need to talk about your worrying.  
WarriorMaiden: Just like we need to talk about your clinginess. And other things...  
Kingslayer: But not in chat. In person.  
WarriorMaiden: There it is again. Someone is at my door.  
Kingslayer: I’m sure it’s nothing.  
WarriorMaiden: My door just opened!  
Kingslayer: Why the hell is the chain on the door, wench?  
WarriorMaiden: Why are you breaking into my house in the middle of the night?  
Kingslayer: I couldn’t sleep so my plan was to climb in bed with you but the chain is on the door. Come let me in.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
Kingslayer: It’s not like you were sleeping anyway.  
WarriorMaiden: Give me a second. Were you chattting and driving???  
Kingslayer: Nah, I made Pod drive. Hurry, I’m wearing pajamas.  
WarriorMaiden: That’s mean. And you never sleep in pajamas.  
Kingslayer: Yeah, I want to get them off.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m on my way.  
Kingslayer: ...are you wearing my museum t-shirt?

 

一

**Week 12 WrapUp**

Only one more week left in the regular season! Hear Me Kick Ass and Maiden’s Warriors have locked up playoff spots, both winning again this week. IWillBeYourChampion has also locked up a spot. There are three spots remaining and only three teams have been eliminated, Flayers’ Players, 2Old2Care and DragonKings. DragonKings did get their first win of the season, beating 2Old2Care. It’s a race to the bottom for those two.

Week 12 Standings | 1 | Hear Me Kick Ass | 11-2-0  
---|---|---  
2 | Maiden’s Warriors | 11-2-0  
3 | Team Stannis/Davos | 8-5-0  
4 | IWillBeYourChampion | 8-5-0  
5 | The Faceless Team | 7-6-0  
6 | Winter Wolves | 6-7-0  
7 | Thorny Stags | 6-7-0  
8 | GridIronBorn | 6-7-0  
9 | Night’s Winnerman | 5-8-0  
10 | Flayers’ Players | 5-8-0  
11 | 2Old2Care | 3-10-0  
12 | DragonKings | 1-12-0  
  
**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't see it, here is [The Room, Flower Shop Scene.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOdjtiOMGbA)


	8. Week 13, Monday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick reminder. Tyrion and Bronn have a long-term bet about JB getting engaged. Tyrion originally bet Bronn that JB would be banging by the end of the regular season. Tyrion clearly won that, but they decided to modify it. Tyrion bet Bronn that JB would be engaged by the end of the regular season.
> 
> If they are engaged, Bronn has to call Tyrion 'Lord Tyrion' for a year. If they are not, Tyrion has to help Bronn get a team in the Iron Throne League.
> 
> Just a reminder....I know this stuff so well that I assume you all do too! :)

**Monday**

WarriorMaiden: I think he’s going to break up with me.  
LadyRose: Why now?  
WarriorMaiden: Last night we had this big talk about him not being clingy and me not worrying and I decided to be open and honest and, I told him about the pregnancy test I took a while back and didn’t tell him before.  
LadyRose: About time. What did he say?  
WarriorMaiden: Not much really. I mean. He asked me why I didn’t tell him. And then just looked far away and was quiet for the rest of the night.  
LadyRose: Did you stay over?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes. I offered to leave and he just rolled his eyes at me.  
LadyRose: Did you fuck?  
WarriorMaiden: Well, yeah, but he didn’t talk or do the stopping thing. He just kissed me a lot. Not hot sex kisses. Soft kisses.  
LadyRose: Of course, he kisses you softly, fucks your brains out and has you stay over and you think he wants to break up with you.  
WarriorMaiden: But he didn’t talk. He always talks. He talks all the time. If he has a thought in his head, it leaks out his mouth. I mean, what wasn’t he telling me?  
LadyRose: I’m sure it’s no big deal. He was just a little upset. He’ll get over it.

一

Kingslayer: I need to marry Brienne.  
Bronn4Sale: no u don’t  
URallAssholes: bout time  
Kingslayer: I mean I have to marry her.  
Bronn4Sale: have 2? her dad gonna kill u?  
Kingslayer: No. Why would he do that? Wait, do you think I should ask him first?  
Kingslayer: Is that too old-fashioned?  
Kingslayer: You’re right. I should.  
URallAssholes: r we talking shotgun wedding? ‘cause he might then  
Kingslayer: Why would we have shotguns at the wedding?  
Kingslayer: Swords maybe. She like swords. We could have like an honor guard making sword canopy thing.  
URallAssholes: DUDE, is she preggers? ‘cause u know ur gonna have 2 tell Father if she is  
Kingslayer: She’s not. I mean, unless you know, last night...well, I mean, technically, it’s possible.  
Bronn4Sale: then y u have 2 marry her? just keep fukin her  
Kingslayer: Because I hate it when she wraps her toothbrush in a plastic baggie and takes it back to her place. When she pulls her clothes out of my laundry hamper. That she's not there every morning when I wake up.  
Bronn4Sale: u could just move n2gether, shed move her gross shit in then  
URallAssholes: ur pathetic  
Kingslayer: I am not. I suggested that before and she tried to break up with me.  
URallAssholes: *bangs head n2 desk*  
Kingslayer: What?  
URallAssholes: proposing is a great idea  
Bronn4Sale: u should wait, y the rush?  
Kingslayer: We had a long talk last night about me being clingy and her being insecure. The she told me that a while back, she had a pregnancy scare.  
Bronn4Sale: shes tryin 2 trap u dude  
URallAssholes: she told u, eh?  
Kingslayer: You knew?  
URallAssholes: *shrug*  
Bronn4Sale: 'course he did, coulda been his  
URallAssholes: srlsy bronn, no one believes that shit  
Bronn4Sale: so u 'fraid she's gonna bake one?  
Kingslayer: She's not a very good cook. But it got me thinking.  
URallAssholes: tall, blond babies i can buy drums sets 4?  
Bronn4Sale: u would buy the noisy shit  
URallAssholes: :)  
Kingslayer: No. I'm not even sure if I want kids, or if she wants kids.  
Bronn4Sales: dont all chicks get broody and want kids?  
URallAssholes: nah, that's snow  
Bronn4Sale: heh  
Kingslayer: It just got me thinking about making things official.  
Bronn4Sale: ur all officially a couple, no need 2 marry, wait a yr, then propose  
Kingslayer: No. We need to get married. It's the perfect solution.

[Bronn4Sale has invited BAMFLannister to the conversation.]  
[BAMFLannister has joined the conversation.]

Bronn4Sale: no prenup, rght?  
BAMFLannister: Who requires a prenuptial agreement?  
URallAssholes: desperate much, bronn?  
Bronn4Sale: jaime needs 1, brienne wants the lannister fortune, pressuring him, she is  
BAMFLannister: Brienne Tarth is an heiress in her own right. She will come into a considerable fortune as well as a family estate upon her father's passing. She is his sole heir. She could live quite well considering the growth in her trust fund. However, she chooses to live off the paltry sum paid to her by Baratheon Enterprises.  
Bronn4Sale: fuk me  
Kingslayer: What?  
URallAssholes: u had her investigated?  
BAMFLannister: Of course. And her father was quite forthcoming with information to assist in the investigation.  
BAMFLannister: I believe the man had the audacity to investigate the financial foundation of Casterly Rock.  
BAMFLannister: As if the Lannisters would live on credit.  
URallAssholes: cant blame him 4 askin  
BAMFLannister: …  
Kingslayer: Brienne doesn't need to work?  
Bronn4Sale: i could work 4 her, u know, if she needs help  
Kingslayer: Stay the fuck away from her, Bronn, or I'll cut off your balls, puree them and feed them to you through your nose.  
BAMFLannister: I see you have read some of the family histories, Jaime.  
Kingslayer: She didn't tell me.  
Bronn4Sale: bet she has all sort sof secrets, cant be trusted  
URallAssholes: wevs, bron  
BAMFLannister: Apparently, she was a singularly independent child. Attending college on scholarship, living in a dormitory. I am fairly confident she has little interest in the Lannister fortune.  
URallAssholes: money isn't everything?  
Bronn4Sale: fuckin blasphemy  
BAMFLannister: Indeed.

一

CommissionerByRight: The season has gone well so far, don’t you think?  
FingerfewerHand: You’ve been an excellent commissioner.  
CommissionerByRight: You’ve been there every step of the way, reminding me about my blood pressure, ensuring I wear my grind guard.  
FingerfewerHand: I love your teeth just as they are.  
CommissionerByRight: As I love your beard, stroking it that is.

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: Is someone discussing stroking?  
FingerfewerHand: *sigh*

一

LadyRose: So they had a big talk last night?  
URallAssholes: things r going well  
LadyRose: ...she thinks they’re breaking up.  
URallAssholes: fuckin’ a

一

Kingslayer: So, what else have you been keeping from me?  
WarriorMaiden: I don't know how many times I can apologize to you. I should have told you, but I was just freaking out and I didn't know how. I’m so sorry, Jaime.  
WarriorMaiden: I was wrong. If you never want to see me again, I understand.  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: I mean, I won't throw a fit and scream at you or anything. Just tell me.  
Kingslayer: Stop being such a stupid, stubborn wench and stop trying to break up with me. You're not allowed.  
WarriorMaiden: I'm making it easy for you to break up with me.  
Kingslayer: I don't want it to be easy.  
WarriorMaiden: If you're breaking up with me, it's okay. I don't want to fight.  
Kingslayer: I. AM. NOT. BREAKING. UP. WITH. YOU.  
WarriorMaiden: You can. If you want to.  
Kingslayer: Shut up.  
WarriorMaiden: I can log off, leave you alone.  
Kingslayer: Don't.  
WarriorMaiden: ...okay...  
Kingslayer: I mean, why didn't you tell me about the money?  
WarriorMaiden: What money?  
Kingslayer: Your money.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh...that.  
Kingslayer: Yeah. That.  
WarriorMaiden: How did you find out?  
Kingslayer: Apparently your father told my father.  
WarriorMaiden: Our fathers are talking?  
Kingslayer: Don't change the subject. Tell me.  
WarriorMaiden: I just...I mean...for years I've just pretended it didn't exist. I don't even think about it. Dad has someone manage it. I don't even know. It could be all gone. I don't want it.  
Kingslayer: Why not?  
WarriorMaiden: Well, I only have my mom's trust fun because she died and I'll get my dad's money when he dies too and...I just...I don't want to profit from the death of my parents. And I'd rather work for what I have.  
Kingslayer: So you work at a stupid job at Baratheon Enterprises, never take leave time, drive an economy car almost too small for your long, long legs and wear the sexiest, rattiest, old sweatpants in the world?  
WarriorMaiden: Those sweatpants are still good!  
Kingslayer: The waistband has almost no elastic and there is a huge hole in the knee.  
WarriorMaiden: The elastic was FINE until you ...did your thing.  
Kingslayer: ...  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: Thinking about those sweatpants and your kitchen floor.  
WarriorMaiden: Look, Jaime, I didn't tell you about the money because I didn't tell anyone. I don't want people to like me because I'm the heir to Tarth. Not even Marg really knows.  
Kingslayer: I love knowing things about you that Margaery Tyrell does not know.  
WarriorMaiden: So...you forgive me?  
Kingslayer: Nothing to forgive.  
Kingslayer: Wait, wait, what will you do to get me to forgive you?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...  
Kingslayer: I want one thing from you.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. I am sorry. No more secrets.  
Kingslayer: I want you to pack a suitcase of work out clothes, work clothes, those sexy sweatpants, your toothbrush, all the stuff you need for a week away from your place.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay...did you want to go somewhere? I should do a formal leave request.  
Kingslayer: You're going to leave that stuff at my place.  
WarriorMaiden: But Jaime...  
Kingslayer: I want your dirty clothes in my laundry hamper and your toothbrush in the cup next to mine. Just leave stuff at my place, whether you stay over or not.  
WarriorMaiden: You're an idiot.  
Kingslayer: But I'm your idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies. I have had to post and delete this chapter because AO3 did some freaky things. My apologies.


	9. Week 13, Tuesday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note, things are weird with chapter breakdowns from here on out. Some will be longer, some will be shorter.

**Tuesday**

MrsYoungWolf: Yeah, it’s some big deal. For the last game of the regular fantasy football season we are all supposed to meet for some big chili cookoff. There are rules about it and everything. This year it's in King's Landing.  
LadyRose: What? Like someone would cheat?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Oh, it’s a fuckton more complicated than that. The people who have to travel have it the worst, which is why it’s at different locations, because you have to find somewhere to cook.  
KissedByFire: Thank gods Gilly and Sam are making an entry this year. People said my chili was too gamey. Whatever. Using regular beef was too boring. Free range meats are better.  
MrsYoungWolf: And why does it matter because Cat will probably win anyway.  
PinkISPretty: roosie didn’t like my creamy white bean tofu chili last year  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Uh...did anyone?  
PinkISPretty: don’t be mean yarsha!  
IronsIslandsBattleBabe: Sorry, Walda, it was just...sweet.  
WarriorMaiden: I’d try it, Walda.  
LadyRose: You’d eat anything.  
KissedByFire: So would Jon.  
PinkISPretty: thats ok bri, it wasn’t very good, im bettr at cupcakes, theon ate my chili tho  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I KNOW. That should be a rule. My brother eats nothing made with beans.  
SexontheSand: Ah Walda, my spicy Dornish chili wasn’t terribly popular last year either. Apparently it was too hot. As if something can be too hot.  
WarriorMaiden: Does Jaime make chili? He didn’t say.  
LadyRose: Grandmother always makes chili for the Lannister teams.  
MrsYoungWolf: Whatever, who cares, Robb says I have to make something this year. I don’t even know where I’m going to cook.  
SexontheSand: I have already claimed Yarsha, and her kitchen.  
LadyRose: Don’t you make the entry for your dad and Theon?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: They are on their own. Who is cooking for Walder this year?  
WarriorMaiden: I don't want to think about what kind of food Walder would make.  
MrsYoungWolf: Are you making chili, Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not a very good cook so I told Sam he could use my kitchen.  
MrsYoungWolf: Dammit.  
LadyRose: Did you disinfect that floor yet?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Jaime’s gotta know when to hold tits  
Know when to squeeze tits  
Know when to kiss Brienne  
Know when to hug  
Jaime never counts his money  
When he’s kissing Brienne’s titties  
They’ll be time enough for counting  
When their fuckin’s done  
KissedByFire: Why don’t I know this kitchen floor story? Why do I never get the good stories?  
SharkReek: kitchen floor? u tellin bout how i spilled the chili?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: OUT THEON.

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

SexontheSand: Spilled the chili?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Don’t ask. Back to Brienne’s floor.  
WarriorMaiden: My kitchen is perfectly clean.  
PinkISPretty: i clean the counters but ramsay has 2 load the dishwasher  
MrsYoungWolf: This is not helping me.  
SexontheSand: Where is Catelyn cooking?  
MrsYoungWolf: She's using Petyr Baelish’s place.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I imagine that entire place needs disinfected.  
MrsYoungWolf: Apparently he bought like some industrial size stove and cookware for her.  
KissedByFire: That guy’s a fuckin’ creeper.  
PinkISPretty: roose doesn’t like him  
LadyRose: Does anyone?  
WarriorMaiden Catelyn does.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Her taste in people sucks.  
MrsYoungWolf: Whatever! I need a kitchen!  
MrsYoungWolf: And a chili recipe.  
WarriorMaiden: I could ask Jaime? If you want?  
LadyRose: Are his kitchen surfaces unbesmirched?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
KissedByFire: TELL ALL.

一

FertileNonagenarian: u makin chili?  
SharkKing: yarsha has refused, says she won’t mke chili less i make her co-owner  
FertileNonagenarian: damn kids!  
SharkKing: u?  
FertileNonagenarian: wasnt gong 2, but roslin has a trout chili  
SharkKing: *shudder*

一

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Are you sure Sam? You haven’t been dating that long.  
MrsYoungWolf: Shut up, Yarsha. I think it’s romantic.  
iluvgilly: ive never been more sure of nething. gilly is the 1 4 me. i want 2 marry her  
LadyRose: Have you gotten a ring?  
iluvgilly: i have! i just need 2 know best way 2 propose and when  
iluvgilly: its scary  
SexontheSand: Why get married?  
MrsYoungWolf: There is nothing wrong with marriage, Ell.  
iluvgilly: i want 2b with only her 4ever  
KissedByFire: That is pretty fucking sweet.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m happy for you, Sam. And you're brave.  
MrsYoungWolf: You should do something really sweet. Like take her to dinner and have the ring in her dessert or champagne glass.  
LadyRose: Is that how Robb asked you?  
MrsYoungWolf: No...he was kind of lame about it. He just rolled over and said, “We should get married.”  
KissedByFire: At least he asked.  
LadyRose: Do you want to marry Jon, Ygritte?  
KissedByFire: Nah. Not sure marriage would suit me. How about you, Marg?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Margaery’s the type to need a few divorces under her belt before she really settles down.  
LadyRose: Thanks, Yarsha, thanks.  
iluvgilly: brie, how would u want jaime 2 ask u?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime and I aren’t like you and Gilly, Sam.  
KissedByFire: You’re a couple that fucks all the time, right?  
iluvgilly: i do not discuss that ygritte, i already told jon that  
SexontheSand: Samwell, I am always here if you need advice about sex.  
iluvgilly: brie gives good advice 2 me  
LadyRose: She does?  
WarriorMaiden: I do?  
iluvgilly: yep, so how should i ask her?  
KissedByFire: Yeah, Brienne, share your relationship wisdom.  
WarriorMaiden: I..uh…  
MrsYoungWolf: Big romantic gesture, Sam.  
WarriorMaiden: No. I mean, what would Gilly like? What does she like? What does she think is romantic?  
SexontheSand: Oberyn is very romantic when we fuck on the table after dinner.  
KissedByFire: Jon isn’t big on romance.  
LadyRose: Tyrion and I are much more practical about these kinds of things.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Bronn and I are just fucking.  
MrsYoungWolf: Brienne thinks fencing and dancing in the park to accordian music is romantic.  
KissedByFire: And when Jaime saved her from those Bears fans.  
WarriorMaiden: It was!  
MrsYoungWolf: Whatever.  
iluvgilly: accordian music is romantic?  
LadyRose: No.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Sometimes.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up. All of you. Sam, you need to make a romantic moment that is specific to you and Gilly.  
WarriorMaiden: Anyone can propose with skywriting or a ring in a champagne glass or on the megatron display at a football game, but what about that is all about you and Gilly and how you feel about her?  
iluvgilly: u give the best advice brie

一


	10. Week 13, Wednesday and Thursday.

**Wednesday**

iluvgilly: im gonna ask her this weekend  
IKnowALittleSomething: ur sure dude?  
YoungWolf: how u gonna do it?  
iluvgilly: gilly likes to cook, so when we make chili, i am going to ask her  
IKnowALittleSomething: dude, w chili?  
Kingslayer: So uhmm...did you plan out a speech?  
iluvgilly: i have  
Kingslayer: ?  
iluvgilly: my declarations of love are private and personal, brie gave me good advice  
YoungWolf: i think u should  
Kingslayer: What did Brienne say?  
iluvgilly: she said it should be romantic  
Kingslayer: What did she say was romantic?  
YoungWolf: geroge was romantic when he proposed to callie  
IKnowALittleSomething: who the fuk r those people  
YoungWolf: u know nothing about grey's  
iluvgilly: jaime, brie said u were romantic with fencing and dancing and accordian music and bears  
StutteringSquire: Make s-sure sh-she knows I-I-I did n-n-not tell.

一

WarriorMaiden: This weekend? But it’s the chili cookoff.  
Kingslayer: Exactly.  
WarriorMaiden: Isn’t it some big league to-do? Everyone getting together for the last regular season game.  
Kingslayer: We get together for championship weekend too.  
WarriorMaiden: I promised to let Sam use my place to cook.  
Kingslayer: We’ll make sure to leave him the keys.  
WarriorMaiden: Jeyne was going to ask to use yours.  
Kingslayer: Fine with me.  
WarriorMaiden: I just don’t think going away for the weekend is a good idea.  
Kingslayer: Look. Here’s the deal with the chili cookoff. The food is great.  
Kingslayer: Amazing even. Cat makes a great chili. Walda’s tends to be strangely sweet. Walder’s is always different because he gets a different daughter to make it. This year, I hear it’s Roslin and she’s going to make fish and tomato chili.  
WarriorMaiden: That sounds gross.  
Kingslayer: Agreed.  
Kingslayer: Theon and Ramsay love chili. The more beans the better.  
WarriorMaiden: What does that matte….oh.  
Kingslayer: Then Robb, Jon and Ned get in on that action and make it a competition. Viserys insists he doesn’t fart, but then goes into the bathroom and blows gales. Everyone laughs at him.  
Kingslayer: Cat will win the chili competition, but Walder will win the fart-off, no matter how hard Theon tries, and we don’t call him Reek for nothing.  
WarriorMaiden: That’s disgusting.  
Kingslayer: Completely.  
Kingslayer: So, instead of that, me, you, a string bikini, a beach. Weekends away are girlfriendy.  
WarriorMaiden: No string bikinis.  
Kingslayer: A regular bikini.  
WarriorMaiden: Why don’t you wear one of those one-sided mankinis?  
Kingslayer: Let me google that.  
WarriorMaiden: …  
Kingslayer: I would totally look hot in that. I’m ordering one right now. Large, don’t you think?  
WarriorMaiden: I am not going to be seen with you wearing that.  
Kingslayer: A regular mankini then?  
WarriorMaiden: You will wear a regular men’s bathing suit.  
Kingslayer: Fine, so we’re going, right?  
WarriorMaiden: I get final approval on all beach wear. Mine and yours.  
Kingslayer: Picky wench.

一

 

**Thursday**

MrsYoungWolf: Brienne! You can’t!  
WarriorMaiden: Sorry Jeyne. Jaime’s making me.  
LadyRose: Making you?  
WarriorMaiden: It’s apparently girlfriendy.  
LadyRose: You’re just using that as an excuse.  
WarriorMaiden: Kind of.  
MrsYoungWolf: But I was counting on your vote in the chili cookoff.  
WarriorMaiden: Since Jaime and I are both in the playoffs and have a bye week, he wants to go away for the weekend to Dorne. You can totally use his kitchen though.  
SexontheSand: Ah, but why Dorne when Oberyn and I will be in King’s Landing?  
LadyRose: You’re abandoning me to this calorie and sodium laden chili-cookoff, Brienne? What kind of friend are you?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I’d skip it if I could. The smell...  
KissedByFire: I like chili.  
RedHeadedMother: Jaime has always been very fond of my chili. I’m surprised he wants to go away this weekend.  
WarriorMaiden: We are staying at a resort. It looks like a lot of fun. Snorkling, scuba diving, windsurfing.  
MrsYoungWolf: Sitting on the beach reading a book?  
WarriorMaiden: Maybe even some beach volleyball.  
LadyRose: Just so you know, he had Peck’s girlfriend pick up beachwear for you. I gave her your sizes.  
WarriorMaiden: He promised I’d get final approval!  
LadyRose: Good luck with that.  
MrsYoungWolf: I hope you get a sunburn.

一

URallAssholes: going 2 drop ur suit?  
BAMFLannister: I beg your pardon?  
URallAssholes: the lions r winning  
BAMFLannister: Those Lions are not and will never be Lannister Lions. Lannister colors are crimson and gold. That miserable excuse for a football team wears silver and a dull blue. They should not even be allowed to call themselves Lions.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: but the lions r beating the bears today  
Kingslayer: We talking about that time I got Brienne out of the Mormont bar?  
BAMFLannister: Your young woman went to an establishment frequented by the Mormonts?

一

Bronn4Sale: topic of the day: Best beer?  
TheLastDragon: beer? that swill is for the masses. i prefer something more refined, like a Lima-a-Rita.  
Bronn4Sale: ur really nothing more than stuck-in-the-80s EssoTrash, rnt ya?  
TheLastDragon: i did enjoy a good zima…  
KellyCsBear: Khal Drogo says drinking a cup of kumis everyday makes a man strong and potent.  
IKnowALittleSomething: night’s watch brews a robust, rich porter.  
Bronn4Sale: NW has their own beer? maybe it’s time for a career change  
URallAssholes: do u have a career?  
IKnowALittleSomething: all drink at Castle Black. but, uh, no women allowed.  
Bronn4Sale: u rly do know nothing.  
WardenWolf: i prefer a good, honest, brown ale.  
RedHeadedMother: But only _after_ you shovel the driveway, right dear?  
SexViper: When the sun beats down on the red sands of Dorne, I prefer to lounge in the Water Gardens with a tall glass of Wit. It seduces you with the heady, earthy, spiciness of its golden wheat until you’re helpless against its charms and you have to drink every last, succulent drop. You savor the taste of it on your tongue. You want more, but it’s already gone. All you have left is a hint of coriander and orange peel, and the promise of more to come.  
LadyRose: I’ll have what he’s having.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Enough of that fancy shit. Just give me a light beer.  
Bronn4Sale: light beer? ya think ur gettin fat or something?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Um, no, asshole. I _thought_ that I didn’t want to be too full to do other stuff. But now I think I’ll try one of those Night’s Watch porters.  
Bronn4Sale: Other stuff? Oh, fuck…  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MotherofFirkins](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MotherofFirkins/pseuds/MotherofFirkins) wrote the beer conversation. She's fucking fabutastic.
> 
> This is the [The One-Sided Mankini](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bp7b__oIQAI-Mlw.jpg). It is not safe for work.


	11. Week 13, Friday.

**Friday**

LadyRose: Givers only question of the day.  
LadyRose: Spit or swallow?  
KissedByFire: Spit.  
PinkISPretty: Spit or swallow what?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: When you suck dick, Walda.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: And it depends on the guy and what he had for dinner.  
SexontheSand: Swallow if it's pineapple juice.  
PinkISPretty: oh. swallow.  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb doesn't, you know, do that in my mouth.  
KissedByFire: He gives you a facial?  
MrsYoungWolf: What?  
LadyRose: Comes on your face, Jeyne.  
PinkISPretty: Do men like that?  
SexontheSand: Yes.  
MrsYoungWolf: OH gross. I would never let him do that!  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Poor Robb.

[RedHeadedMother joined the conversation.]

RedHeadedMother: Sorry. I stepped away and didn't get the invite.  
LadyRose: Cat, spit or swallow?  
RedHeadedMother: Swallow. It's more polite.  
MrsYoungWolf: OH GODS.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis prefers to swallow.  
UKnowUWantMe: OH GODS OH GODS is hs dick bald 2?  
FingerfewerHand: Only when he shaves.  
BeardedStag: I hate you Davos.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis is a very sexual man. Very sexual. Incredibly sexual.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Nice.  
UKnowUWantMe: bbbbbbbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfffffffffffffffffff  
LadyRose: Stop whining, Loras. Spit or swallow?  
BeardedStag: Lor and I both spit.

[CommissionerByRight has joined the conversation.]

CommissionerByRight: My apologies for not accepting the invitation immediately. I was editing the supply requisition form.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Of course you were.  
KissedByFire: We got the question answered already.  
MrsYoungWolf: Davos told us you like to swallow.  
CommissionerByRight: I am concerned that this is not a discussion about wine-tasting.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime wanted to set up a wing-tasting.  
LadyRose: You can’t get out of answering by changing the subject.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: But if you grab your tits,  
Does it almost feel like  
You’ve got no tits at all?  
And if you grab your tits,  
Does it almost feel like  
You've grabbed your tits before?  
How am I gonna be an tittimist about this?  
How am I gonna be an tittimist about this?  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis, you know you prefer to swallow.  
RedHeadedMother: It’s more polite.  
CommissionerByRight: Davos’ semen has a particularly erotic flavor.  
SharkReek: goin wo bein told

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

FingerfewerHand: Thank you, Stannis.  
MrsYoungWolf: I did not need to know that.  
BeardedStag: FUCK YOU, Stannis.  
CommissionerByRight: You’re such a prude, Renly.  
UKnowUWantMe: im scarred!  
BeardedStag: Lobster!  
FingerfewerHand: What, Loras? Is your hair falling out again?  
URallAssholes: fuk YU  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: That’s enough. All four of you. Men OUT. You’re distracting from our conversation.  
UKnowUWantMe: gladly!

[UKnowUWantMe has left the conversation.]

BeardedStag: Why should I leave? They started it!  
FingerfewerHand: Oh? You want to reveal all your secrets?  
BeardedStag: FUCK OFF.

[BeadedStag has left the conversation.]

CommissionerByRight: I feel a social obligation to apologize for my brother’s behavior.  
RedHeadedMother: Don’t worry about it, Stannis. It’s not as if he’s Robert.  
FingerfewerHand: She has a point, but why don’t we let the ladies chatter in peace, Stannis?  
CommissionerByRight: You’re in the mood to follow Loras and torture him, aren’t you?  
FingerfewerHand: :)  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Pound him into the dirt.

[FingerfewerHand has left the conversation.]  
[CommissionerByRight has left the conversation.]

KissedByFire: Where were we?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Marg?  
LadyRose: Depends on the guy.  
KissedByFire: Tyrion?  
LadyRose: Swallow.  
LadyRose: And speaking of Lannisters...  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Had I answered?  
WarriorMaiden: Please don't.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I won't answer if you do, Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: *bangs head into desk*  
KissedByFire: Share, Brienne. TELL US.  
WarriorMaiden: It depends on Jaime.  
LadyRose: What?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Details?  
KissedByFire: I'm with Yarsha, deets!  
WarriorMaiden: I hate you.  
PinkISPretty: thast not nice  
WarriorMaiden: If Jaime wants to just do that, then, you know, the polite way.  
RedHeadedMother: Swallow.  
SexontheSand: And if Jaime wants to do other things? What things?  
LadyRose: Why does Jaime get to decide?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime always decides.  
PinkISPretty: Decides what?  
SexontheSand: Position?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Duration?  
KissedByFire: Location?  
RedHeadedMother: Acceleration?  
RedHeadedMother: That didn't fit, but speed sounded wrong.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Yes what, dear?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime decides all that.  
LadyRose: What?  
MrsYoungWolf: Every time?  
WarriorMaiden: Mostly.  
KissedByFire: WHY?  
PinkISPretty: roosie lets me decide  
RedHeadedMother: Ned and I switch it up.  
MrsYoungWolf: GODS.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You're the sub? Really?  
WarriorMaiden: I am not a sub, whatever that is. It's just easier when Jaime does those things.  
SexontheSand: Easier?  
LadyRose: Explain this Brienne. NOW.  
WarriorMaiden: If I'm the decider, I mean, if I'm choosing how and how fast and all that, I start thinking about it.  
WarriorMaiden: If I think about it, it all gets weird. And I feel ridiculous.  
WarriorMaiden: We both like it better when I don't think. About how it sounds and how I look and worrying about doing it wrong or hurting him or anything.  
LadyRose: Seriously, Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: I mean, what if he doesn't like it? What if he's not enjoying it? What was that squishy noise? Do I look ridiculous?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Dear, you should never worry if he's enjoying it.  
KissedByFire: Sometimes I don't care if Jon likes it or not.  
RedHeadedMother: You should be more confident, Brienne. Sometimes it's fun to order him around. Make him beg. Pull his hair and tell him to put his mouth to good use elsewhere.  
MrsYoungWolf: Now I'm scarred.  
LadyRose: Exactly.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Tywin enjoys it.  
KissedByFire: Tywin? Really?  
WarriorMaiden: I am ignoring this and moving on. I just like it better when I can not think and not worry.  
LadyRose: You don't smack his bottom and tell him he's been a naughty naughty boy?  
WarriorMaiden: We already discussed this Marg, and no. No naughty boy spanking.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Oh that's a good one. Bronn likes a little spanking.  
PinkISPretty: roosie spanks me sometimes  
LadyRose: Tyrion sends me texts about how I've been a naughty girl. We switch it up. You should ask Jaime if he wants to switch it up.  
WarriorMaiden: Did I mention I hate you?  
LadyRose: Many times.  
KissedByFire: You're a little boring.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: They're too new to be bored.  
WarriorMaiden: Look, we like what we like and you can all shut up about it.  
LadyRose: You have ruined my fantasies, Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: You know Marg, just don't care.  
LadyRose: Dammit.

一

WardenWolf: cant blv we sucked so bad this yr  
IKnowALittleSomething: blamin’ sam, new gf distracted him  
YoungWolf: yeah, all jeyne fault, we still might make the playoffs tho  
iluvgilly: gilly has not been a distraction, u made bad choices, jon  
FertileNonagenarian: nuthing wrong w bad choices!  
TheLastDragon: women r nothing but distraction  
FlayMaster: My greatest error was allowing Ramsay to run the team this year.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: HEY

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

FlayMaster: I don’t want another thing to come out of your mouth.  
Kingslayer: Women are not distracting. Look at me and Tyrion.  
SharkReek: u talking bjs 2?  
URallAssholes: snow is always talkin’ oral  
IKnowALittleSomething: not always, sometimes its video!  
YoungWolf: who is talking abt blowjobs?  
FlayMaster: Is it Walda?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: GAG  
SharkReek: there talking spit/swallow  
URallAssholes: marg runs the best convos  
Kingslayer: Is Brienne talking?

[UKnowUWantMe has joined the conversation.]

UKnowUWantMe: FUK THEM

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: Is someone discussing fucking?  
SharkReek: grls talking spit/swallow  
Kingslayer: What did Brienne say?  
SexViper: I swallow.  
Warden: cat doesn’t talk abt that stuff  
UKnowUWantMe: wevs, ned, she’s tellin all  
YoungWolf: jeyne2?

[BeardedStag has joined the conversation.]

UKnowUWantMe: all of them, talkin het sex  
SexViper: You should explore more Loras, we should discuss it. The feel of a woman’s mouth around your cock can be quite erotic.  
FlayMaster: These discussions give Walda ideas.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: goin2 forbid her?  
WardenWolf: nvr wrks w cat when i try  
FlayMaster: Shut up.

[FlayMaster has left the conversation.]

LegitmizeThisBitches: DAD

[LegitimizeThisBitches has left the conversation.]  
[FingerfewerHand has joined the conversation.]

TheLastDragon: u shouldn’t let ur woman push u arond  
KellyCsBear: But that can be enjoyable.  
WardenWolf: sometimes  
Kingslayer: WHAT DID BRIENNE SAY?  
URallAssholes: dont u know if she spits or swallows dude?  
Kingslayer: Of course I know, but I want to know what she said.  
FingerfewerHand: I believe we all left before Brienne answered the question.  
Unknown: A woman answers. Questions follow.  
Kingslayer: Jaqen, you sleazy fucker. Are you sneaking around spying on them?  
Unknown: A man knows many things.  
IKnowALittleSomething: yeah!  
URallAssholes: he didn’t mean u snow  
IKnowALittleSomething: oh

[Bronn4Sale has joined the conversation.]

YoungWolf: whut r they sayin’ jaqen?  
Bronn4Sale: what is who saying bout what?  
URallAssholes: the ladies r having the all important spit/swallow convo  
WardenWolf: i can’t believe cat is tellin  
Bronn4Sale: w yarsha depends on what i eat  
SharkReek: MY SISTER  
UKnowUWantMe: chill dude, i know aout my sis  
URallAssholes: so do i ;)  
Unknown: Women share details.  
Kingslayer: You snotty shitbag, what is Brienne saying?  
Bronn4Sale: dnt u know? rnt u fukin her?  
TheLastDragon: id prefer not 2 think about u people and sex  
KellyCsBear: What does she like you to eat?  
Unknown: Women are surprised.  
URallAssholes: jus fuckin tell us  
Unknown: A man has greater appreciation for a Kingslayer.  
Kingslayer: YES!  
BeardedStag: What did she say, Jaqen?  
WardenWolf: i wish they didn’t talk tis stuff  
iluvgilly: gilly and i don’t share like that  
IKnowALittleSomething: but u listen  
iluvgilly: a man’s got 2 learn things somehow  
Unknown: A conversation has ended.

一

WarriorMaiden: I’ll talk to you Monday when I get back.  
LadyRose: I’ll probably be 15lbs heavier and have a salt hangover.  
MrsYoungWolf: Salt hangover?  
IronIslandsBattle: Like after you eat a whole pizza and you wake up the next day and your mouth feels like a cotton ball graveyard.  
MrsYoungWolf: I want to eat a whole pizza right now. Cravings! I think I'm having my first cravings!  
LadyRose: Good for you, Jeyne? I think? All that chili.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: We’ll work out a signal about which ones to avoid.  
MrsYoungWolf: You’d better vote for me.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Hey. Are you all packed or do we need to stop and get anything?  
WarriorMaiden: I have everything. You about ready to leave?  
Kingslayer: I have to stop and pick up a present for you and then I’ll be on my way.  
WarriorMaiden: A present?  
Kingslayer: Be patient. It’s a surprise. You don’t get it until we get to Dorne.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. See you all Monday!

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Later, ladies, little brother.  
URallAssholes: have a good one and elt me know how it goes

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

MrsYoungWolf: Those two are so sweet.  
URallAssholes: kinda gross  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Sweet and gross. Kind of like Walda’s chili.

 

**Week 13 Regular Season Wrap Up**

And the playoffs are set! Hear Me Kick Ass and Maiden’s Warriors are our first and second seeds, respectively, both earning Bye Weeks next week. Our sixth seed is Winter Wolves who beat The Faceless Team to earn a play off spot. They will be facing the third seed, Team Stavos. Fifth seed goes to The Faceless Team who will be facing IWillBeYourChampion. The losers bracket, well, does anyone really care?

**Week 13 Standings** |  1 | Hear Me Kick Ass | 11-2-0  
---|---|---  
2 | Maiden’s Warriors | 11-2-0  
3 | Team Stannis/Daovs | 8-5-0  
4 | IWillBeYourChampion | 8-5-0  
5 | The Faceless Team | 7-6-0  
6 | Winter Wolves | 6-7-0  
7 | Thorny Stags | 6-7-0  
8 | GridIronBorn | 6-7-0  
9 | Night's Winnerman | 6-7-0  
10 | Flayers’ Players | 5-8-0  
11 | 2Old2Care | 3-10-0  
12 | DragonKings | 1-12-0


	12. Week 14, Monday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple is engaged. Another is not. A trophy is won.

**Monday**

WarriorMaiden: I’m so happy for you, Sam!  
iluvgilly: ur advice was the best and thaanks for the kitchen  
WarriorMaiden: Any time. Do you and Gilly have wedding plans?  
iluvgilly: shes doing the planning w her sisters  
WarriorMaiden: How many sisters does she have?  
iluvgilly: ...al lot?

一

SexViper: I do not like games one would play alone.  
KellyCsBear: But Spider Solitaire lets you play and win Dragons.  
WardenWolf: i cna win direwolves  
TheLastDragon: DRAGONS!  
SexViper: I prefer snakes.  
Kingslayer: Direwolves.  
Kingslayer: Easier to kill.  
WardenWolf: ...

一

WarriorMaiden: Congrats to you, Jeyne. For winning the chili cookoff.  
MrsYoungWolf: I KNOW!!! Cat is so pissed!  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: She seemed happy enough for you.  
MrsYoungWolf: Oh, she had that pinched mouth thing she does when she’s displeased. :) She said she hoped I didn’t get indigestion.  
LadyRose: The whole chili cookoff was a disgusting fart mess.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Theon almost won the fart off.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m sorry I missed it?  
LadyRose: No, you’re not.  
WarriorMaiden: No, I’m not.

一

URallAssholes: did u ask her over the weekend?  
Kingslayer: I need to get a ring first.  
Bronn4Sale: HEH  
URallAssholes: thought u already did, dude, vacation away, bought her a present?  
Kingslayer: No...not enough time to plan. I want it to special.  
Bronn4Sale: yeah, no rush  
URallAssholes: going 2 bust into the lannister jewel vault of gold and rubies?  
Bronn4Sale: u have a jewel vault?  
Kingslayer: No. I want to get her something special. Something for her. Sapphires maybe. Jeweler is coming by later today.  
Bronn4Sale: u could let me check out the jewel vault  
URallAssholes: like u could b trustd  
Bronn4Sale: heh! i can b trusted  
Bronn4Sale: or i can b bought

一

LadyRose: So how was your weekend in Sunspear?  
SexontheSand: It is unfortunate that Oberyn and I were not there to join you.  
WarriorMaiden: We had a really good time. There was a beach volleyball tournament at the resort where we stayed.  
MrsYoungWolf: Beach volleyball?  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah, a coed team tournament. Jaime and I won!!  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Congrats.  
WarriorMaiden: It was fun. We went undefeated. Jaime bought me these stupid short shorts though.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Clothes can be stupid?  
LadyRose: Shut up, Stannis. What made them stupid?  
WarriroMaiden: *rolls eyes* They say “Property of Jaime Lannister” on the butt.  
MrsYoung Wolf: That’s kind of cute.  
KissedByFire: You spent your weekend on the beach in Sunspear playing volleyball?  
WarriorMaiden: Well, yeah, we went windsurfing too.  
WarriorMaiden: And snorkling.  
WarriorMaiden: And we jogged on the beach at sunrise.  
WarriorMaiden: And horseback riding.  
KissedByFire: How many days were you gone?  
WarriorMaiden: A regular weekend.  
MrsYoungWolf: Brienne, that sounds miserable.  
LadyRose: Vacations are supposed to be relaxing.  
WarriorMaiden: It was relaxing. It was particularly relaxing to beat the crap out of those other couples.

一

Bronn4Sale: not engaged  
URallAssholes: hmm?  
Bronn4Sale: ur bro and those legs  
URallAssholes: what was bet again? oh, i know, they were fuckin long b4 end of season  
Bronn4Sale: and u decided we could change it 2 engaged, theyr not  
URallAssholes: i gave u leeway, give me 2 end of playoffs  
Bronn4Sale: fukinhells  
URallAssholes: technically i already won  
Bronn4Sale: fine, little lord dickcheese

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And readers are probably disappointed. 
> 
> I think the next chapter is MUCH funnier. :)


	13. Week 14. Tuesday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stannis Baratheon, Game Show Host.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had planned a few installments ago for a fight between Jaime and Margaery, but after reading  
> [Vana's](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Vana/pseuds/Vana/works) fic, [This Is … Jeopardy](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2652326/chapters/5925281), this sort of morphed into something much larger and more complicated than I'd planned. And I LIKE it. Thanks, Vana! You are made of win!

**Tuesday**

Kingslayer: Sorry, Margaery, you’re an idiot. I know more about Brienne than you ever could.  
URallAssholes: hold up, bro  
LadyRose: I am not an idiot. And Brienne is my best friend and I have known her for more than a decade. You could not possibly know more about her than I do.  
URallAssholes: is this really a fight?  
LadyRose: Are you taking his side?  
URallAssholes: uh…

[URallAssholes has invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: What's up?  
LadyRose: Brienne, tell your idiot boyfriend that I know you better than he does.  
Kingslayer: Brienne, don’t I know you better than anyone else in the world?  
URallAssholes: this is all u tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm...really?  
Kingslayer: Come on, Brienne. Tell her.  
WarriorMaiden: Well, Jaime, I have known Marg longer. It’s only natural that she would know more about me.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: I'm on the highway to tits  
On the highway to tits  
Highway to tits  
I'm on the highway to tits  
Kingslayer: 1. Fuck off, Theon. 2. I challenge you, Margaery, to a competition. Who knows Brienne better?  
LadyRose: Prepare to have your ass whipped.  
WarriorMaiden: This seems silly.  
URallAssholes: ur telling me  
SharkReek: who is asking the questions?  
Kingslayer: Send an invite. I’ll take on any question.  
SharkReek: SAWWEETT. im betting on u, marg, i have faith in u  
URallAssholes: i second my bro in saying, fuck off theon

[SharkReek has sent out a global invitation to join the conversation.]  
[PinkISPretty has joined the conversation.]  
[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]  
[UKnowUWantMe has joined the conversation.]  
[IKnowALittleSomething has joined the conversation.]  
[RedHeadedMother has joined the conversation.]  
[Needler has joined the conversation.]  
[WardenWolf has joined the conversation.]  
[ChampionRower has joined the conversation.]  
[BeardedStag has joined the conversation.]  
[FingerfewerHand has joined the conversation.]  
[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]  
[SexViper has joined the conversation.]  
[BAMFLannister has joined the conversation.]  
[FlayMaster has joined the conversation.]  
[TheLastDragon has joined the conversation.]  
[MrsYoungWolf has joined the conversation.]  
[StutteringSquire has joined the conversation.]  
[BeenThereDoneThatQueen has joined the conversation]  
[LegitimizeThisBitches has joined the conversation.]  
[YoungWolf has joined the conversation]  
[KellyCsBear has joined the conversation.]  
[FertileNonagenarian has joined the conversation.]  
[IronIslandsBattleBabe has joined the conversation.]  
[SexontheSand has joined the conversation.]  
[CommissionerByRight has joined the conversation.]  
[PerfectPrincess has joined the conversation.]  
[Bronn4Sale has joined the conversation.]  
[SharkKing has joined the conversation.]

SharkKing: wut r u doin, theon?  
SharkReek: jaime and marg r having a quiz show down, stan u need 2 run it  
CommissionerByRight: I beg your pardon?  
Kingslayer: I know more about Brienne and Margaery foolishly thinks I don’t.  
SharkKing: y the fuk do i care  
SharkReek: we all get 2 ask them questions.  
FertileNonagenarian: like a game show? i watch games shows all day! luv that dick dawson and i always win price is right  
SharkKing: fucking idiot son  
FlayMaster: I’m with Balon on this.  
PinkISPretty: come on roose, it could be fun, like that game we got 4 our anniversary  
FlayMaster: Do not discuss that with other people.

[SharkKing has left the conversation.]

LegitimizeThisBitches: oh gods, not that sex game  
CommissionerByRight: You know, I would do very well on a game show. I suppose it will not be too difficult.  
PinkISPretty: not as good as me  
BeardedStag: Bitch, please. Like you could beat my brother at anything.  
FingerfewerHand: Why Renly, we are in agreement.  
PinkISPretty: hrmph!  
KissedByFire: We get to ask the questions?  
CommissionerByRight: Each person will get to ask a question, with Jaime and Margaery alternating who answers first. A correct answer is worth one point. If the person answering first is incorrect, the second player will have an opportunity to steal and will be awarded two points for each stolen question. There will be a final question worth five points.  
Kingslayer: Sounds fair to me. Marg can even go first. *cracks knuckles*  
LadyRose: Bring it ON.  
CommissionerByRight: Let’s begin. Ygritte, you ask the first question to Margaery.  
UKnowUWantMe: y does she go 1st? i have money on marg winning!  
CommissionerByRight: Shut up, Loras. We are proceeding in reverse alphabetical order by first names. Ygritte, your question.  
KissedByFire: I love going first!  
IKnowALittleSomething: i know  
KissedByFire: Does Brienne have a sex wedge?  
LadyRose: No. The whole concept confused her.  
Kingslayer: Wrong.  
CommissionerByRight: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: ...  
LadyRose: YOU DID NOT TELL ME?  
KissedByFire: How is it?  
WarriorMaiden: This is horrible.  
CommissionerByRight: Score, Margaery 0, Jaime 2. Next question for Jaime comes from Yarsha.

[Evenstar has joined the conversation.]

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Which football team does Brienne hate the most?  
Evenstar: You’re asking me?  
FingerfewerHand: Don’t answer Selwyn, it’s a game show.  
FertileNonagenarian: i know this 1!  
LadyRose: How would I know? You know I hate football.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I was throwing a softball because her dad joined.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks, Yarsha.  
Kingslayer: Ravens.  
FertileNonagenarian: hah, raiderss!  
WarriorMaiden: Actually, Walder’s right. The Ravens are my second most-hated team.  
LadyRose: How did you know Walder?  
FertileNonagenarian: every1 hates the raiders, cept me, al davis is kewl  
CommissionerByRight: Score, Margaery 0, Jaime 2. Next question goes to Margaery. Walder?  
FertileNonagenarian: fav donut?  
LadyRose: Chocolate-covered, cream-filled.  
Kingslayer: Glazed.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime is right. You like the chocolate ones, Marg.  
LadyRose: GODSDAMMIT.  
CommissionerByRight: Score, Margaery 0, Jaime 4. Next question goes to Jaime. Walda?  
PinkISPretty: fav dessert!  
Kingslayer: Cake.  
LadyRose: Vanilla cake with buttercream frosting.  
WarriorMaiden: They are both right, but Margaery is more specific.  
CommissionerByRight: Steal by Margaery. Margaery 2, Jaime 4. Viserys?  
TheLastDragon: who did brienne collude w 2 do so well in the league  
Kingslayer: She doesn't need to cheat, draghole, she's just better than you. Then again, WALDER is better than you, so shut your cunting mouth, you ignorant pissant before someone gives you a swirly in a vat of boiling acid.  
SharkReek: dooode  
CommissionerByRight: I declare Viserys' question invalid. As such, the next question goes to Margaery from Tywin.  
TheLastDragon: FUK U

[TheLastDragon has left the conversation.]

BAMFLannister: In raising children, does Brienne believe it is more important to teach fairness and good sportsmanship as it relates to fantasy football or is it better to win at any cost?  
Kingslayer: Fucking hells.  
LadyRose: Fairness, of course. We are discussing Brienne.  
Evenstar: That’s my girl.  
WarriorMaiden: Fairness. You taught me well, Dad.  
BAMFLannister: …  
CommissionerByRight: Point to Margaery, Margaery 3, Jaime 4. Next question goes to Jaime from Tyrion.  
Kingslayer: Bring it on, bro. Bring it on.  
LadyRose: Don't you dare make it easy for him.  
URallAssholes: uh....what does brienne do in the shower every morning and at night with her hand?  
Kingslayer: Well, it's not what I originally thought it was, you little shit. It's wash her face. Brienne uses some vibrating face scrubber in the shower in the morning and it is not, under any circumstances, a sex toy and should not be used that way, Robb Stark.  
YoungWolf: gods j, you ass, did u have 2 tell people?  
RedHeadedMother: Jeyne, Robb used your Clarisonic on his...  
MrsYoungWolf: Now you understand why I've been breaking out!  
RedHeadedMother: I thought it was the hormones.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: rubbed his dick off!  
YoungWolf: its better now!  
WardenWolf: made the same mistake myself once, son  
RedHeadedMother: I'll buy us both new ones, Jeyne.  
MrsYoungWolf: Thanks.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime's right and were you trying to embarrass me, little man?  
URallAssholes: mebbe  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 3, Jaime 5. Next question comes from Theon to Margaery.  
SharkReek: fuk fuk...uh...the pressure  
SharkReek: do j and b cyber all day dnd do u have logs of it?  
LadyRose: Jaime and Brienne do not cybersex. They’ve tried but not really succeeded at it because they are idiots.  
WarriorMaiden: MY DAD!  
Evenstar: I'm not an idiot, love.  
LadyRose: HAH. She tells me everything, Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Not everything, Marg, because you’re wrong.  
CommissionerByRight: Brienne?  
LadyRose: BRIENNE?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime.  
LadyRose: And you didn’t tell me?  
WarriorMaiden: I didn’t tell anyone! Oh gods!  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 3, Jaime 7. Next question to Jaime from Sansa.  
RedHeadedMother: Sansa’s here? And listening to this type of discussion? Sansa, you KNOW better.  
PerfectPrincess: arya;s here 2!  
Needler: shut up, sansa, u little narc  
PerfectPrincess: ur the narc, u told on me, i;ll tell on u about gendry  
ChampionRower: nuttin 2 tell, cept I ate all that nutbread, mrs. stark, it was great  
WardenWolf: u ate all the nutbread???  
RedHeadedMother: No more cursing or inappropriate questions while my daughters are here and thank you Gendry, I’ll make more so you can take some home. Why didn’t someone mention they were here??  
CommissionerByRight: Catelyn, it’s not my duty to parent your children. I do not even allow Shireen access to WhisperWeb Chat. I would advise you to place the same restrictions on your children.  
Needler: shut it stan! i wont let u edit my papers!  
CommissionerByRight: As if that’s a treat.  
RedHeadedMother: ARYA.  
CommissionerByRight: To address Catelyn’s belated concerns, Sansa will ask the next question, then Gendry, then Arya, after which those three will leave the chat room and the game will resume. Sansa?  
PerfectPrincess: uh..brienne’s fav outfit to go out?  
LadyRose: Oh that’s easy. She has this little black dress that makes her legs look a mile long. I picked it out for her.  
Kingslayer: Well, MARG, it was my question and you’re wrong anyway. Brienne looks amazing in a dress, but her favorite outfit to wear out to dinner is this worn pair of jeans that hug her ass and this blue t-shirt she has that she wears tucked in, and a pair of tan boots.  
Kingslayer: But her favorite outfit of all time is the blue sweatpants and my grey t-shirt.  
PerfectPrincess: brie shud wear more dresses :):):)  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime’s right.  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 3, Jaime 8. Gendry?  
ChampionRower: ...uh...if brienne had a boat, what would she name it?  
LadyRose: What?  
Kingslayer: Oathkeeper.  
LadyRose: That’s a stupid question.  
Needler: don’t call my bf stupid!  
YoungWolf: he is NOT ur bf  
IKnowALittleSomething: better not be!  
RedHeadedMother: Shut up, all of you. Leave Gendry alone.  
WarriorMaiden: I never thought about it, really, but Oathkeeper is kind of nice.  
CommissionerByRight: I’m going to find the question invalid and award no points, but move on. Arya to Jaime?  
Needler: Uh...can brienne kick ur butt?  
Kingslayer: We are about equal when we spar. I’m faster than she is. And I beat her at fantasy football.  
WarriorMaiden: That was LUCK and you are not faster and I beat you way more often than you beat me.  
Kingslayer: I let you win.  
WarriorMaiden: DID NOT.  
LadyRose: Brienne wins at everything.  
WarriorMaiden: Exactly.  
CommissionerByRight: Steal by Margaery. Margaery 5, Jaime 8.  
Kingslayer: Not fucking fair.  
CommissionerByRight: Brienne answered the question agreeing that she wins at everything, therefore, Margaery was correct.  
Kingslayer: FINE.  
RedHeadedMother: All right, kids, out with you.  
Needler: but i like when jaime curses!  
WardenWolf: OUT

[PerfectPrincess has left the room.]

Kingslayer: I’ll curse for you later, microStark.  
RedHeadedMother: YOU WILL NOT.  
CommissionerByRight: What can you expect when you allow your children access to the WhisperWeb?  
BeardedStag: Like Shireen doesn’t misbehave behind your back.  
FingerfewerHand: Only when she’s with Selyse.  
CommissionerByRight: Exactly.  
RedHeadedMother: Arya…  
Needler: come on gendry  
ChampionRower: later dude, go jaime, he gives good advice  
LadyRose: I give better advice!  
Needler: oberyn givs the ebst advice!

[ChampionRower has left the conversation.]

SexViper: Be well, sweet Arya.  
WardenWolf: …

[Needler has left the conversation.]

CommissionerByRight: Moving on. Next question from Sam to Margaery.  
iluvgilly: brie’s fav breakfast food  
LadyRose: Are you trying to make me hungry?  
Kingslayer: Waffles, extra butter, real maple syrup.  
LadyRose: You didn’t let me guess first and I knew that! She also likes omelets.  
WarriorMaiden: Marg did know about the waffles.  
CommissionerByRight: I’m awarding a point to Margaery. Margaery 6, Jaime 8. Both of you need to wait your turn to answer.  
CommissionerByRight: Next question from Roose to Jaime.  
FlayMaster: I have little interest in learning anything about Brienne Tarth, however, I am interested in a battle between the Lannisters and the Tyrells.  
FlayMaster: What is Brienne’s stance on prunes?  
Kingslayer: …  
LadyRose: Hates them. Her nanny made her eat them as a child and she won’t eat them now.  
Kingslayer: That nanny sounds like a total bitch.  
WarriorMaiden: Marg is right.  
Evenstar: I fired that nanny soon after.  
WarriorMaiden: Dad. You're still here??  
CommissionerByRight: Oh Selwyn, I didn't skip you. I'll come back to you for the final question.  
Evenstar: No worries, Stannis, I’m pretty certain I know who knows my baby girl best and I’m going to take off so she doesn’t get embarrassed.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks, Dad, but this game is kind of ridiculous.  
LadyRose: See, even Selwyn knows I know Brienne best.  
Evenstar: ;) I’ve got some candy to crush. Want to chat, Tywin? Let me know when you need me, Stannis.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you two still discussing unionization?  
URallAssholes: Father is totes anti-union  
BAMFLannister: Depends on the union, Tyrion.

[BAMFLannister has left the conversation.]

Evenstar: Later, Brie. Love you.  
WarriorMaiden: Love you too, Dad.

[Evenstar has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: thats so fuckin weird  
Kingslayer: I know, every single time too!  
WarriorMaiden: It is not weird to say I love you to someone.  
Kingslayer: Exactly.  
WarriorMaiden: …  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 8, Jaime 8. Next question from Robb to Margaery  
YoungWolf: uhh..dr mcdreamy or that sword guy from that hbo show?  
Margaery: Piece of cake. Sword guy, even though he’s an asshole.  
WarriorMaiden: Right.  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 9, Jaime 8. Renly to Jaime.  
BeardedStag: What is Brienne’s favorite part of Jaime?  
UKnowUWantMe: ren? honestly?  
Kingslayer: Do I even need to answer that?  
LadyRose: Thighs. Brienne has always thought men’s thighs were an underrated body part.  
WarriorMaiden: Margaery.  
Kingslayer: Really? You think I have sexy thighs? I do, you know. My quads are rock solid.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up. This is so stupid.  
CommissionerByRight: Maergary 11, Jaime 8. Ramsay to Margaery.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: cats or dogs?  
LadyRose: Cats.  
Kingslayer: Dogs.  
WarriorMaiden: Dogs. You like cats, Marg.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: FUK YEAH DOGS  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 11, Jaime 10. Podrick to Jaime.  
StutteringSquire: T-t-hing you do th-that annoys her?  
Kingslayer: Talk.  
LadyRose: Dammit.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime got it.  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 11, Jaime 11. Olenna to Margaery?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Brienne’s favorite piece of jewelry?  
LadyRose: None. Brienne doesn’t like jewelry.  
Kingslayer: The good luck necklace I made for her.  
WarriorMaiden: ...the good luck necklace.  
LadyRose: Grrrr. Something made of paperclips should not count.  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 11, Jaime 13. Oberyn to Jaime.  
SexViper: What is the goddess Brienne’s favorite of the seven basic sexual positions?  
KellyCsBear: Seven??  
Kingslayer: If I answer that in a public forum, she will never speak to me ever again. So I forfeit the points.  
LadyRose: Dammit. That’s a great answer.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime gets a point for that.  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 11, Jaime 14. Ned to Margaery.  
WardenWolf: uh...uh…  
WardenWolf: Death or dishonor?  
LadyRose: Death.  
Kingslayer: The question is not as simple as that. There are many types of honor and dishonor.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime.  
LadyRose: FUCK.  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 11, Jaime 16. Loras to Jaime.  
UKnowUWantMe: whut kind of conditioner do u use?  
Kingslayer: What the fuck? Brienne doesn’t care about my hair care products.  
UKnowUWantMe: u admit u use them!  
CommissionerByRight: I declare Loras’ question invalid and stupid. Jaime gets another chance. Jorah to Jaime?  
KellyCsBear: Would Brienne be interested in hosting a PartyLite candle demonstration?  
Kingslayer: Uh...No.  
WarriorMaiden: Point to Jaime.  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 11, Jaime 17. Jon to Margaery.  
IKnowALittleSomething: did jb make a porno and can i get it?  
LadyRose: No and No.  
Kingslayer: Not yet.  
WarriorMaiden: All the points to Margaery.  
IKnowALittleSomething: damn  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 12, Jaime 17. Jeyne to Jaime.  
MrsYoungWolf: Most romantic thing you’ve done for Brienne?  
Kingslayer: That’s tough. I’m pretty romantic.  
StutteringSquire: I-I know.  
Kingslayer: I’m going with dance with her.  
LadyRose: CHEATER.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime.  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 12, Jaime 18. Jaqen to Margaery.  
FingerfewerHand: Jaqen is here?  
Unknown: A man is often here.  
Unknown: A woman is entitled to her secrets.  
WarriorMaiden: Thank you Jaqen.  
CommissionerByRight: Fine then. Ellaria to Margaery.  
SexontheSand: How long are Brienne’s legs?  
LadyRose: Her inseam is 39”.  
KissedByFire: DAYUM. Isn’t that your total height, little Lannister?  
URallAssholes: suk my dick gingerslut  
IKnowALittleSomething: hey!  
WarriorMaiden: She’s right.  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 13, Jaime 18. Doran to Jaime.  
LimpingLord: Revenge. Victoria Grayson or Amanda Clarke?  
Kingslayer: I have no fucking clue who those people are.  
LadyRose: Victoria Grayson. She can rock a bandage dress.  
WarriorMaiden: Who?  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 13, Jaime 19. Davos to Margaery.  
FingerfewerHand: What is Brienne’s favorite cocktail?  
LadyRose: Sex on the Beach.  
Kingslayer: Beer.  
WarriorMaiden: Beer is not a cocktail, but I prefer it.  
CommissionerByRight: As much as it pains me, I find the question invalid. Catelyn to Margaery.  
RedHeadedMother: What is the biggest fight you and Brienne have ever had?  
Kingslayer: Like that's fair.  
RedHeadedMother: If you know her so well, Jaime....  
LadyRose: Brienne used to buy underwear packaged in plastic. We had a screaming match about it four years ago and I refused to speak to her until she bought real lingerie.  
WarriorMaiden: She's right.  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 14, Jaime 19. Bronn to Jaime.  
Bronn4Sale: whut famous guy is on her list of free fucks  
IKnowALittleSomething: huh?  
KissedByFire: She could have sex with him and it not be cheating.  
IKnowALittleSomething: got it  
Kingslayer: She doesn't have a list.  
LadyRose: HBO swordguy/Tom Cruise shooter in Oblivion/Hot Uncle in Mama guy.  
WarriorMaiden: ...Margaery.  
Kingslayer: That guy is not hotter than I am. He has a huge nose!  
CommissionerByRight: Margaery 16, Jaime 19. We will have a final question worth 5 points.  
Kingslayer: I won. Why do we need a final question?  
CommissionerByRight: There is always a final question.

[CommissionerByRight has invited Evenstar to the conversation.]  
[Evenstar has joined the conversation.]

CommissionerByRight: Selwyn. You get to ask the final question worth five points.  
Evenstar: Hmmmm.  
Evenstar: Brienne sometimes hums a particular song. What is the song?  
LadyRose: Trick question. Brienne doesn't hum or sing.  
WarriorMaiden: Dad...  
CommissionerByRight: Your answer Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Give me a second...I'm humming it.  
Kingslayer: You Are My Sunshine.  
Evenstar: Points to Jaime.  
CommissionerByRight: And Jaime wins 24 to 16.  
LadyRose: FUCK.  
LadyRose: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK  
Kingslayer: AND HE WINS! Suck it, Marg.  
URallAssholes: dude...  
WarriorMaiden: Sorry, Margaery.  
LadyRose: These questions were rigged.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Sometimes it's best to lose with grace, dear.  
Kingslayer: Nah nah nah nah nah, youhooo lose.  
Evenstar: Nothing wrong with winning with grace either.  
LadyRose: Fine, Jaime, you know more trivia about Brienne than I do.  
Kingslayer: Damn fucking right I do.  
WarriorMaiden: That's enough.  
WarriorMaiden: Can we never do this again?  
CommissionerByRight: I rather enjoyed it.  
BeardedStag: You would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to [tafkar](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tafkar/pseuds/tafkar) for the beta of this. It really was a monster.


	14. Week 14, Wednesday and Thursday.

**Wednesday**

URallAssholes: u take care of him, its ur fault tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: It was not my fault!  
LadyRose: What happened again?  
URallAssholes: tall chick caused big bro 2 get his hand chopped off  
WarriorMaiden: It is NOT chopped off.  
Kingslayer: clse enuf  
URallAssholes: see, he can’t even type  
KissedByFire: What is this? Give me details.  
URallAssholes: so u can tell every1 else?  
KissedByFire: ‘Course.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s not a big deal.  
Kingslayer: is2  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, all on his own, decided to juggle. With wine bottles.  
KissedByFire: Like in that stupid movie about bartenders on the beach?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, and that guy that played the juggling bartender was an idiot. And short.  
LadyRose: Oh the juggling bartender that gets shot by the hot guy in Oblivion?  
Kingslayer: guy not ht as me  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
URallAssholes: ive missed the tall chick eye roll  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up. So Jaime dropped a bottle.  
URallAssholes: of great dornish red  
WarriorMaiden: And when he went to catch it, he knocked over the Arakh crystal wine glasses and cut his hand.  
KissedByFire: Wait, I'm looking that guy up. I mean, he made Brienne's list.  
KissedByFire: Commander Sykes? He was hot. ...Like smoking hot.  
Kingslayer: me hottr  
KissedByFire: And it's like there are new pictures of him out every day. FUCK. He's hot.  
WarriorMaiden: Anyway, Jaime cut his right hand and now insists he’s a cripple and can’t do anything. Which is why Tyrion should take care of him.  
KissedByFire: He is even hot wearing a fur coat and purple skinny pants. I'm putting him on my list of free fucks.  Dayum.  
Kingslayer: me hotter!  
URallAssholes: u  
Kingslayer: wnat brie  
LadyRose: So, wait, he still has his one good hand?  
WarriorMaiden: But I have to work.

[LadyRose has invited BeardedStag to the conversation.]  
[LadyRose has invited CommissionerByRight to the conversation.]  
[BeardedStag has joined the conversation.]  
[UKnowUWantMe has joined the conversation.]  
[CommissionerByRight has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Hey, Baratheons. Can Brienne take a few days off?  
Kingslayer: pls  
WarriorMaiden: I just took time off.  
BeardedStag: Is she sick?  
CommissionerByRight: We prefer contagious employees remain home. It’s in the Sick Leave section of the Employee Handbook.  
KissedByFire: She’s fine. Jaime hurt his hand and needs someone to hold his cock while he pisses.  
BeardedStag: Jaime’s cock?  
UKnowUWantMe: rly ren?  
WarriorMaiden: He does not need someone for that!  
URallAssholes: not doin it 4 him  
Kingslayer: hrts  
CommissionerByRight: Brienne, you have accumulated an excess amount of leave time. Renly, were you aware of her leave time accumulation?  
KissedByFire: How much does she have?  
BeardedStag: Just checked. Over 600 hours.  
LadyRose: Dear gods, Brienne.  
CommissionerByRight: Renly. Brienne’s personnel file and leave documentation is confidential. You just revealed that in a public chat room.  
BeardedStag: Chill Stan. Brie’s cool.  
URallAssholes: u dont have use it or lose it  
WarriorMaiden: We are allowed to accumulate time.  
URallAssholes: heh, not when u work 4 lannisters  
CommissionerByRight: Actually, once you reach 400 hours of accumulated time, the Human Resources Department is to send out notice that you must begin using the time or it will be lost. It seems, however, that those notices have not gone out for some time, Renly.  
BeardedStag: And?  
CommissionerByRight: That falls within your duties.  
Kingslayer: hand hrts  
Kingslayer: ned brie  
URallAssholes: tall chick, looks like u do have time  
CommissionerByRight: How do Ned Stark and soft cheese relate to this conversation?  
KissedByFire: *rolls eyes*  
URallAssholes: nice ygs  
BeardedStag: Hey Brienne, take a few days off to help Jaime with his hand.  
URallAssholes: c?  
WarriorMaiden: FINE.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Thank you Baratheons. I couldn’t have planned that better.  
KissedByFire: I thought you couldn’t type because of your hand injury?  
LadyRose: Yeah?  
Kingslayer: Don’t be stupid. It’s not like I got my hand chopped off. I didn’t even need stitches.  
URallAssholes: nice goin bro

 

一

**Thursday**

URallAssholes: thats a terrible idea  
Kingslayer: I can just move her in with me though. I’ll hire a moving company, have all of her stuff packed up and move it to my place.  
URallAssholes: she’ll punch u, dude  
Kingslayer: She spends most of her nights with me anyway and her bed is too small.  
URallAssholes: u still have that qarthian king?  
Kingslayer: She’s a tall woman you know.  
URallAssholes: ur tellin me?  
Kingslayer: She’s got all those legs and she likes it when we can roll around.  
URallAssholes: dude, i do not want details  
Kingslayer: If she lays in the middle and stretches out, she can almost touch both corners with her toes. She’s laying in the bed right now.  
URallAssholes: images, do not want  
Kingslayer: All those long, incredibly freckly legs.  
URallAssholes: dude, enough  
Kingslayer: Wait, so I shouldn’t just move her in with me and propose that way?  
URallAssholes: imagine those legs crushing u  
Kingslayer: So hot.  
URallAssholes: what r ur other proposal ideas?  
Kingslayer: A surprise wedding.  
URallAssholes: a terrible idea  
Kingslayer: With skywriting.  
URallAssholes: bc she likes that kind of thing  
Kingslayer: I should have done it at that Packer game. On the scoreboard.  
URallAssholes: how about over dinner  
Kingslayer: I could rent a billboard, but that takes like a month.  
URallAssholes: u want 2 do it sooner, keep it low key  
Kingslayer: A flash mob outside her window at work.  
URallAssholes: her fav flowers  
Kingslayer: She doesn’t have a favorite flower. Maybe I could have it spelled out in fireworks.  
URallAssholes: go w a nice simple dinner and movie date  
Kingslayer: Oh, I could make a movie trailer proposal at the theatre.  
URallAssholes: *bangs head n2wall*  
Kingslayer: What about a marching band? I need to find out her favorite songs.  
URallAssholes: didnt she tell sam 2b romantic and personal?  
Kingslayer: She told me it was romantic when I saved her from those Bears.  
URallAssholes: do not rent a bear  
Kingslayer: She’s waking up. Damn, she’s stretching.  
URallAssholes: do not want 2 know  
Kingslayer: She has insisted we both go back to work tomorrow.  
URallAssholes: work, horrors  
Kingslayer: Going to go make the most of the afternoon.

[Kingslayer has logged out of chat.]

URallAssholes: just fucking propose already  
URallAssholes: godsdammit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't seen the photos of NCW from his GQ Turkey photo shoot, I strongly suggest that you google them or [Nikolaj Fan Girl Team](http://nikolajfangirlteam.tumblr.com) for all your NCW photo needs. And...I have...needs.


	15. Week 14, Friday.

**Friday**

Kingslayer: I might have a problem.  
URallAssholes: might?  
Kingslayer: Brienne got socks out of my drawer this morning.  
URallAssholes: uh? she a sock thief?  
Kingslayer: That’s where I have it hidden.  
URallAssholes: dare i ask what u have hidden in ur sock drawer? tell me it’s not anal beads  
Kingslayer: What? What are those?  
URallAssholes: go to urban dictionary  
Kingslayer: No, I have the engagement necklace I got her in there.  
URallAssholes: don’t u mean ring?  
Kingslayer: She doesn’t wear rings. I got her a necklace.  
URallAssholes: that’s not traditional  
Kingslayer: I'm not a traditional guy. And if I got her a ring, it would cut when she punches me.  
URallAssholes: point  
Kingslayer: So I got her the necklace instead.  
URallAssholes: lannister-sized?  
Kingslayer: No. She’d hate that. Pendant of sapphires and diamonds.  
URallAssholes: u do have good taste n jewelry  
Kingslayer: I think she saw it. In my sock drawer.  
URallAssholes: bc y put jewels in a safe?  
Kingslayer: I wanted it handy.  
URallAssholes: did she say something?  
Kingslayer: No. But she looked upset.  
URallAssholes: just ask ehr dude  
Kingslayer: I’m working on it.

一

WarriorMaiden: I think Jaime might be seeing someone else.  
MrsYoungWolf: That asshole!  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I’ll beat the shit out of him.  
SexontheSand: You shouldn’t be a slave to monogamy.  
KissedByFire: Aren't you like the super couple?  
LadyRose: Just tell us.  
WarriorMaiden: I found something in his sock drawer.  
LadyRose: Sex toys?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Mysterious wads of cash?  
WarriorMaiden: No. It was a jewelry box.  
MrsYoungWolf: ...a ring maybe?  
SexontheSand: A cock ring?  
WarriorMaiden: I didn’t LOOK at it but it was bigger than a ring box.  
LadyRose: Why didn’t you look?  
WarriorMaiden: It would have been rude.  
MrsYoungWolf: How do you know it’s not for you?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t wear jewelry, like, ever.  
KissedByFire: Something about a paperclip necklace?  
LadyRose: That does NOT count.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t wear it. I just keep it in my pocket.  
SexontheSand: Pockets? You wear clothes with pockets?  
WarriorMaiden: All my pants have pockets.  
LadyRose: None of my skirts have pockets.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Fucking hate it when you find a great suit and the jacket doesn’t have pockets. FUCK THAT.  
KissedByFire: Serves you right for wearing suits.  
MrsYoungWolf: Fuck you, Ygritte.  
WarriorMaiden: Can we focus here? I’m worried.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Brie, love you, but seriously. Chill out.  
KissedByFire: Don’t you spend every evening and night together?  
WarriorMaiden: Almost…  
MrsYoungWolf: And chat or text all day?  
WarriorMaiden: Kinda…  
SexontheSand: So he does not have time for another woman. It’s probably a memento of his mother.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay...I shouldn’t worrry? I've been working on this worrying thing.  
MrsYoungWolf: Or an engagement ring. I bet he's going to propose in some super romantic way. He'll probably serenade you singing "I Love You Baby" on the bleachers while you're at soccer practice.  
KissedByFire: Really, Jeyne?  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm...I'm not in high school, Jaime has a terrible singing voice and we've never even said that.  
LadyRose: Seriously?  
WarriorMaiden: I'm just worried. Should I be worried? Should I not be worried? I’m worried about worrying.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Really, Brie? Really?  
MrsYoungWolf: He is so going to propose.

[RedHeadedMother has joined the conversation.]  
[PinkISPretty has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: You’re fine.  
RedHeadedMother: What are we discussing today?  
LadyRose: Brienne's tendency to worry.  
SexontheSand: The things men keep in their sock drawers.  
MrsYoungWolf: Pockets.  
RedHeadedMother: You shouldn't worry, Brienne. Is Jaime making you worry? He is a Lannister.  
LadyRose: Not all Lannisters are a problem.  
RedHeadedMother: Ned keeps our sex toys in his sock drawer.  
MrsYoungWolf: Oh gods.  
RedHeadedMother: And I am enraged on a daily basis about the lack of pockets in women’s clothing.  
PinkISPretty: roosie always puts his own socks away

一

Kingslayer: Podrick, I need you to go talk to Brienne and report back.  
StutteringSquire: B-b-but I promised n-not to t-tell.  
Kingslayer: This is different. I need you to find something out for me.

一

RedHeadedMother: Samwell, I am not angry at Jeyne.  
iluvgilly: its ok 2b mad that she made the best chili  
RedHeadedMother: But I’m not mad.  
iluvgilly: i saw u throw a spoon  
RedHeadedMother: It slipped.  
iluvgilly: she’s not takin ur place u know  
RedHeadedMother: I beg your pardon?  
iluvgilly: w robb  
iluvgilly: u raised robb 2b a good man, u should b proud he has chosen a wife so like u  
RedHeadedMother: Jeyne’s like me?  
iluvgilly: she’s smart and strong and loves robb like u love ned and she makes great chili  
RedHeadedMother: It really was great chili, wasn’t it?

一

StutteringSquire: M-m-m’am?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes Podrick?  
StutteringSquire: D-d-do you have a f-f-favorite s-song other than B-born t-t-o Run?  
WarriorMaiden: Oh. Uhm.  
WarriorMaiden: I really like Sabotage by the Beastie Boys. I like Sail by AWOL Nation. I like classic rock. The Immigrant Song is good.  
StutteringSquire: O-o-oh. Do y-y-you like J-jason Mraz?  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm. No.  
StutteringSquire: Lionel R-r-ichie?  
WarriorMaiden: Definitely not.  
StutteringSquire: Ed Sh-sheeran?  
WarriorMaiden: I’ve heard worse.  
StutteringSquire: E-elvis?  
WarriorMaiden: Who doesn't like Elvis?

一

RedHeadedMother: Jeyne. I don’t think I congratulated you properly for winning the chili cookoff.  
MrsYoungWolf: You did, Cat.  
RedHeadedMother: No. I didn’t. I was passive aggressive and bitchy.  
MrsYoungWolf: …  
RedHeadedMother: It’s hard being replaced as the most important woman in your son’s life, Jeyne.  
MrsYoungWolf: I, Cat... I mean, Robb loves you. Especially your cooking.  
RedHeadedMother: Maybe I can share some of my recipes with you.  
MrsYoungWolf: Oh, sure that would be nice.  
RedHeadedMother: So you can change them completely and make them your own.  
MrsYoungWolf: … Oh CAT really? Thank YOU....I'm just all...  
RedHeadedMother: It’s the pregnancy hormones, dear. Now let’s talk about how you can use them to your advantage.

一

Kingslayer: So…  
WarriorMaiden: So?  
Kingslayer: Gilly and Sam.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh yeah. I’m happy for them. He’s just crazy about her.  
Kingslayer: Did he tell you how he proposed?  
WarriorMaiden: No, but I’m sure it was perfect for them.  
Kingslayer: So I have a question for you.  
WarriorMaiden: ...You do?  
Kingslayer: It’s important.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. I mean...okay…  
Kingslayer: I’ll ask you tonight.  
WarriorMaiden: …

 

一

**Week 14 Wrap up**

Round One of the Playoffs. Our 1 and 2 seeds, Hear Me Kick Ass and Maiden’s Warriors had byes this week. Third seed, Team Stavos, took out the Winter Wolves and IWillBeYourChampion beat The Faceless Team. It’s a race to the bottom in the Loser’s bracket with 2Old2Care facing DragonKings. Next week, Hear Me Kick Ass will take on IWillBeYourChampion. The SexViper is looking good. Let’s hope he doesn’t get too cocky and make a lineup mistake. Will Stavos throw some shade and put Maiden’s Warriors off her game?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This puts another installment to bed. The final installment will be up either the week after next or the first week in February. It is written, but needs some tweaking and followup. 
> 
> I'll get it posting sooner depending on real life issue. DAMN LIFE.
> 
> Thank you all for how fun and supportive you are in the comments. I really enjoy interacting with everyone. It's like reader participation!! It means so much to me to get a comment, or criticism, which makes me think, helps me see things in a new light or just makes me grin.
> 
> Special thanks to Vana, tafkar, MotherofFirkins, JustAGirl24, downlookingup, QuizzicalQuinnia and all the ladies in chat for listening to me whine, answering my questions and putting up with my random non sequiturs. You have all inspired and supported me so much. Thank you.
> 
> I love you all!


End file.
